Sign on an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts

Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

On Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push”

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog

Optometrist’s Office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place

Scientist’s Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff

Podiatrist’s Window: Time wounds all heels

Butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive”

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming

Hotel: “Help!” We need inn – experienced people

Butcher’s Window: Pleased to meat you

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher’s Door: “Out Chopin”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be”

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got

Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte”

Restaurant Window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we’ll wait

At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” – Sisters of Mercy”

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center” where this method is being used as light therapy

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship..”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”

Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”

In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”

On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”

On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”