[{"id":8764,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-15T17:42:50.097561+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"New Dr Seuss book out! 😃","image":"9b4ee004-b9b0-45b7-8208-17732ed4afb7.jpg","slug":"new-dr-seuss-book-out-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-15","image_width":720,"image_height":966,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • New Dr Seuss book out! 😃","meta_description":"New Dr Seuss book out! 😃 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. They eat our cats, they eat our dogs!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 117, "slug": "pets", "text": "Pets", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:39:16.980714+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 120, "slug": "presidents", "text": "Presidents", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:50.311605+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8763,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-14T10:24:44.827768+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-14T10:35:17.704+00:00","text":"Oops! 😃","image":"b8c6b16a-04ea-4466-a7ed-194c29f6962d.JPG","slug":"oops-%f0%9f%98%83-lcii7","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":561,"image_height":565,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Oops! 😃","meta_description":"Oops! 😃 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Naked running","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8712,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T17:25:38.267641+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Work Dares! 😀","image":"b6ac271a-7c28-47f2-b314-c59a1e507096.png","slug":"work-dares-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":480,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Work Dares! 😀","meta_description":"Work Dares! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

One Point Dares

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Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…”
Don’t use any punctuation.
Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other ‘non-player’ must be in the toilet at the time).
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

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Three Point Dares

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Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you get an email, shout ”email”.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”.
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

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Five Point Dares

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At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ”she can abort it for all I care”.
After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a swastika.
Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem – (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob”.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”.
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”.
Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

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And if that wasn’t enough for you – here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere…

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At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it “IN.”
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the subject field for all your e-mails, write ” FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS”.
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
Don’t use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!”
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, Run for your lives, they’re loose!”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 119, "slug": "pranks", "text": "Pranks", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:45.894046+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8726,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:29:11.764229+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Girlfriend 1.0 😀","image":"7002d3a0-3e6f-450a-8069-8364ff5e7d2b.gif","slug":"girlfriend-1-0-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":400,"image_height":249,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Girlfriend 1.0 😀","meta_description":"Girlfriend 1.0 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Dear Technical Support,

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18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

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To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

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Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

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Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

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I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2018. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Whinge.

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These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every sixth week.

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Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche 911 or Mercedes Estate hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can’t be turned off.

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Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2018, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2018, it tends to delete all of Money before uninstalling itself.

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Please advise ASAP. Technical Support urgently required.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 104, "slug": "men", "text": "Men", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:53.784876+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8727,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:31:23.332752+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"An American’s Guide to France! 😀","image":"43535571-a225-48ae-9ae4-6cfb958714d9.jpg","slug":"an-american-s-guide-to-france-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":448,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • An American’s Guide to France! 😀","meta_description":"An American’s Guide to France! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don’t know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

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No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

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General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

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France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

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Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

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The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

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Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.

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Men sometimes have girls’ names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

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American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

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Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition,the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

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A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

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History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

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Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.

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For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers,the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.

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Parliament’s principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

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Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).

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Cuisine: Let’s face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

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Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany’s in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France’s principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

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Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints’ days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph As If He Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

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Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren’t inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8728,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:32:24.47912+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Fired Employee References! 😀","image":"48a18efb-814e-4b4c-b515-7735667b9631.png","slug":"fired-employee-references-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":309,"image_height":163,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Fired Employee References! 😀","meta_description":"Fired Employee References! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

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For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed his career was just taking off.”

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For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

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For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

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For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

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For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

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For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

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For a dishonest employee:
“His true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8729,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:33:51.665105+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Expense Guidelines! 😀","image":"1b13eaa1-cd01-497c-afe7-b3bbd73f88f9.jpg","slug":"expense-guidelines-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":350,"image_height":210,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Expense Guidelines! 😀","meta_description":"Expense Guidelines! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Due to budget constraints, the following policies have been established regarding employees travelling on official business:

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TRANSPORTATION

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Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is the preferred choice.
Fluorescent safety vest, safety flags and safety cones (fore and aft) will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business.
Bus transportation will be used whenever hitchhiking is not possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and the lowest fare will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Chicago, but a lower fare can be obtained to Sarnia, then the meeting will be relocated to Sarnia.

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LODGING

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All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives, friends, or mere acquaintances while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks, roadside rest stops and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges and tunnels may provide sheleter in periods of inclement weather.

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MEALS

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Expenditure for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can frequently be consumed in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources (such as crickets and grasshoppers) available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, traveler should seek establishments with “all you can eat” salad bars. This will be especially cost effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, SPAM and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without heating or other costly preparations.\r\n

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MISCELLANEOUS

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All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested how money can be raised during airport layover periods. In support of this idea, “red caps” will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to that sales may be made as time permits.

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We thank you in advance and look forward to a very prosperous 2018!

Exam answers. No one could invent these, they must be genuine!

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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
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Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is poisonous
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out “Same to you, Brutus.”
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah!” and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insa! ne actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don’t know why.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God’s days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don’t get it.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn’t get to find radios because they were already taken.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a real job, I guess.
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 90, "slug": "education", "text": "Education", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:34:08.736806+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8731,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:38:17.525689+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T20:39:34.873+00:00","text":"Performance Evaluation Quotes! 😀","image":"774475ab-299c-4620-8f3f-eff67ec5882e.jpg","slug":"performance-evaluation-quotes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":640,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Performance Evaluation Quotes! 😀","meta_description":"Performance Evaluation Quotes! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

\r\n

These are (allegedly) actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations. Some of them may be useful for your own use!

\r\n

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.

\r\n

\r\n
I would not allow this employee to breed.
\r\n
\r\n
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.
\r\n
\r\n
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
He’s been working with glue too much.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
He would argue with a signpost.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
One neuron short of a synapse.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
\r\n

\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8732,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:40:37.744317+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T20:41:10.914+00:00","text":"New European Language! 😀","image":"604a9ee0-e156-4979-9037-9207695d496f.jpeg","slug":"new-european-language-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":637,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • New European Language! 😀","meta_description":"New European Language! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!","body":"

The European Union commissioners have announced that, following Brexit, agreement has been reached to keep English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

\r\n

As part of the negotiations, His Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

\r\n

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”.

\r\n

Sivil servants will sertainly resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

\r\n

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

\r\n

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

\r\n

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

\r\n

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

\r\n

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by z” and “w” by v.

\r\n

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

\r\n

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

\r\n

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8733,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:44:01.80914+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T20:44:45.095+00:00","text":"Essex Dictionary! 😀","image":"53e37925-87ae-44ad-8ec7-4db681b6157d.jpg","slug":"essex-dictionary-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":680,"image_height":382,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Essex Dictionary! 😀","meta_description":"Essex Dictionary! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

\r\n
ASSA COMMONS – Our Parliament Building.
\r\n
\r\n
ART ATTACK – Extremely perturbed, as in “Don’t tell Sharon, She’ll have an art attack.”
\r\n
\r\n
ARST – Past tense of ask. “Jordan, I must’ve arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room.”
\r\n
\r\n
BANNSA – A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club. “Dave’s got izself a job as a bannsa.”
\r\n
\r\n
BANTY – A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
\r\n
\r\n
BAVE – To wash oneself.
\r\n
\r\n
BOAF – The two. “Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?” “Boaf” is the reply.
\r\n
\r\n
BRANSATCH – Motor racing circuit in Kent.
\r\n
\r\n
CANCEL – Administrative body of a town. “Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel.”
\r\n
\r\n
CANTAFIT – Fake, as in money.
\r\n
\r\n
CHOONA – An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.
\r\n
\r\n
CORT A PANDA – A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
\r\n
\r\n
DAN TO URF – Sensible, practical.
\r\n
\r\n
DANNING STREET – Where the Prime Minister lives.
\r\n
\r\n
DANSTEZ – On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
\r\n
\r\n
DREKKUN – Do you consider? as in “Which dog drekkun’ll win the next race?”
\r\n
\r\n
EFTY – Considerable. “Ere, Trace, this credit card bill’s a bit efty.”
\r\n
\r\n
EJOG – A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).
\r\n
\r\n
ERZ – Belonging to her.
\r\n
\r\n
EVVY – A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. “My name’s Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles.”
\r\n
\r\n
EYEBROW – Cultured, intellectual.
\r\n
\r\n
FANTIN – A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
\r\n
\r\n
FARVA – A posh way of saying Dad.
\r\n
\r\n
FATCHA – Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 – 1990.
\r\n
\r\n
FINGY – A person or object whose name doesn’t come to mind. “I ad it off wiv fingy last night.”
\r\n
\r\n
FONG – Skimpy undergarment.
\r\n
\r\n
FOR CRYIN AT LAAD – Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G. “For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?”
\r\n
\r\n
GAWON – Go on. “Gawon Darren, eat ya granny’s cabbage, it’ll do yer good.”
\r\n
\r\n
GIVE IT LARGE – To be thorough or enthusiastic.
\r\n
\r\n
GRAND – A football stadium. “It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand.”
\r\n
\r\n
HAITCH – Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
\r\n
\r\n
IBEEFA – The Spanish holiday island.
\r\n
\r\n
IFFY – Dubious. “Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf’s a bit iffy.”
\r\n
\r\n
INT – Indirect suggestion. ” I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet.”
\r\n
\r\n
IPS – An unknown area of a woman’s body to which chocolate travels. “That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips.”
\r\n
\r\n
JA – Do you, did you. “Ja like me new airdo, Sharon.”
\r\n
\r\n
JACKS – Five Pound note. “Lend us a jacks, wilya?”
\r\n
\r\n
JAFTA – Is it really necessary? “Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?”
\r\n
\r\n
KAF – Eating house open during the day.
\r\n
\r\n
KAFFY – A girl’s name.
\r\n
\r\n
LAD – Noisy. “Jordan, turn that music dan, it’s too lad.”
\r\n
\r\n
LARJ – Enjoying oneself.
\r\n
\r\n
LEVVA – Material made from the skin of an animal.
\r\n
\r\n
LOTREE – Costs £1 for a ticket.
\r\n
\r\n
MA BLARCH – An arch near Hyde Park.
\r\n
\r\n
MAFFS – The study of numbers.
\r\n
\r\n
MANOR – Local area.
\r\n
\r\n
MINGER – An unattractive person (usually woman).
\r\n
\r\n
NARRA – Lacking breadth, with little margin. “Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape.”
\r\n
\r\n
NARTAMEAN – Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
\r\n
\r\n
NEEVA – Not one nor the other.
\r\n
\r\n
NES – National Elf Service.
\r\n
\r\n
OAF – A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
\r\n
\r\n
OLLADAY – Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
\r\n
\r\n
ONNIST – Fair and just, without a lie. “I never did it, onnist.”
\r\n
\r\n
OPPIT – Go away , as in “Oi you, oppit.”
\r\n
\r\n
PADDA PUFF – Soft, lacking aggression. “They’re alright up front but they got a padda puff defence.”
\r\n
\r\n
PACIFIC – Specific.
\r\n
\r\n
PAFFUL – Having much power or strength.
\r\n
\r\n
PAIPA – Sun, Mirror etc.
\r\n
\r\n
PANS AN ANNSIS – Imperial weight system.
\r\n
\r\n
PLAMMANS – A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
\r\n
\r\n
QUALIDEE – Good, as in “West ‘Am’s new striker’s qualidee.”
\r\n
\r\n
RAND – A number of drinks purchased for a group.
\r\n
\r\n
RANDEER – Locally. “There ain’t much call for it randeer.”
\r\n
\r\n
REBAND – Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. “I couldn’t ‘elp it. I was on the reband from Craig.”
\r\n
\r\n
ROOFLESS – Without compassion.
\r\n
\r\n
SAFF – A direction of the compass, opposite north.
\r\n
\r\n
SAFFEND – An Essex seaside town.
\r\n
\r\n
SAWTED – Done, arranged, resolved.
\r\n
\r\n
SEEVIN – Very angry. “I woz seevin when I urd wot ‘e sed.”
\r\n
\r\n
TALENT – Attractive members of the opposite sex. “Dave’s gan dan tan to eye up the talent.”
\r\n
\r\n
TAN ASS – A modern terraced house.
\r\n
\r\n
TOP EVVY – A woman of plentiful bosom. “Ere look at that, Darren, she’s well top evvy.”
\r\n
\r\n
UG – An unattractive person. “Sharon’s new geezer’s a bit of an ug.”
\r\n
\r\n
UMP – Upset, as in Got the Ump.
\r\n
\r\n
VACHER – A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. “I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park.”
\r\n
\r\n
WANNED UP – Tense. “I’m all wanned up at the moment.”
\r\n
\r\n
WAWAZUT? – I beg your pardon.
\r\n
\r\n
WENNOFF – A fight commenced as in “It all wennoff”.
\r\n
\r\n
YAFTA – You must : “Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances.”
\r\n
\r\n
YOOF OSTALL – A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
\r\n
\r\n
ZAGGERATE – To suggest something is better or bigger than is true. “Craig, I must’ve told ya a fazzund times already.” “Don’t zaggerate, mum.”
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8734,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:46:02.571452+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Poor English Signage! 😀","image":"0822670b-f9b4-42b8-b41f-fda263324623.jpg","slug":"poor-english-signage-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":334,"image_height":126,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Poor English Signage! 😀","meta_description":"Poor English Signage! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

In the old country (England)the following signs were posted.

\r\n

Sign in a London department store:

\r\n

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

\r\n

In an office:

\r\n

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

\r\n

Outside a farm:

\r\n

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

\r\n

In an office:

\r\n

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

\r\n

On a church door:

\r\n

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

\r\n

English sign in a German cafe:

\r\n

MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

\r\n

Outside a secondhand shop:

\r\n

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

\r\n

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:

\r\n

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

\r\n

Outside a photographer’s studio:

\r\n

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

\r\n

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

\r\n

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

\r\n

Outside a disco:

\r\n

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

\r\n

Sign warning of quicksand:

\r\n

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

\r\n

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:

\r\n

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

\r\n

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:

\r\n

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

\r\n

Sign on motorway garage:

\r\n

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

\r\n

Notice in health food shop window:

\r\n

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

\r\n

Spotted in a safari park:

\r\n

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

\r\n

Seen during a conference:

\r\n

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

\r\n

Notice in a field:

\r\n

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

\r\n

Message on a leaflet:

\r\n

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

\r\n

Sign on a repair shop door:

\r\n

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – BELL DOESN’T WORK)

\r\n

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

\r\n

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

\r\n

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

\r\n

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8735,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:48:15.469953+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"English (by gender)! 😀","image":"addd81f5-34f3-42c2-bfdc-1116c7ef2667.jpg","slug":"english-by-gender-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":786,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • English (by gender)! 😀","meta_description":"English (by gender)! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Women’s English

\r\n

Yes = No

\r\n

No = Yes

\r\n

Maybe = No

\r\n

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

\r\n

We need = I want

\r\n

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

\r\n

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

\r\n

We need to talk = I need to complain

\r\n

Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.

\r\n

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

\r\n

You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

\r\n

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

\r\n

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

\r\n

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

\r\n

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

\r\n

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

\r\n

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

\r\n

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

\r\n

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

\r\n

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

\r\n

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

\r\n

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

\r\n

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

\r\n

Was that the baby?= Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

\r\n

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

\r\n

The same old thing = Nothing

\r\n

Nothing = Everything

\r\n

Everything = My PMS is acting up

\r\n

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

\r\n

Men’s English

\r\n

“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.

\r\n

“I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.

\r\n

“I’m tired.” = I’m tired.

\r\n

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

\r\n

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

\r\n

“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

\r\n

“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

\r\n

“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

\r\n

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.

\r\n

“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

\r\n

“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

\r\n

“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?

\r\n

“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.

\r\n

“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

\r\n

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.

\r\n

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

\r\n

“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

\r\n

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

\r\n

(while shopping) “I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8736,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:50:28.763173+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T20:51:25.075+00:00","text":"Engineers explained! 😀","image":"629fed26-85b7-4b69-b7bc-3a31be7bfbe1.jpg","slug":"engineers-explained-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":597,"image_height":410,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Engineers explained! 😀","meta_description":"Engineers explained! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This page will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

\r\n

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

\r\n

Engineer Identification Test

\r\n

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You…

\r\n

\r\n
Straighten it.
\r\n
\r\n
Ignore it.
\r\n
\r\n
Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
\r\n

\r\n

The correct answer is “3” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”

\r\n

Social Skills

\r\n

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

\r\n

“Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

\r\n

Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

\r\n

\r\n
Important social contacts
\r\n
\r\n
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
\r\n

\r\n

In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

\r\n

\r\n
Get it over with as soon as possible.
\r\n
\r\n
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
\r\n
\r\n
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
\r\n

\r\n

Fascination with Gadgets

\r\n

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

\r\n

\r\n
things that need to be fixed
\r\n
\r\n
things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them.
\r\n

\r\n

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

\r\n

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

\r\n

Fashion and Appearance

\r\n

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

\r\n

Love of Star Trek

\r\n

Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies. It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the star ship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

\r\n

Dating and Social Life

\r\n

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

\r\n

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

\r\n

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

\r\n

\r\n
Bill Gates
\r\n
\r\n
MacGyver
\r\n
\r\n
Dilbert
\r\n

\r\n

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.

\r\n

Honesty

\r\n

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.

\r\n

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

\r\n

\r\n
“I won’t change anything without asking you first.”
\r\n
\r\n
“I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”
\r\n
\r\n
“I have to have new equipment to do my job.”
\r\n
\r\n
“I’m not jealous of your new computer.”
\r\n

\r\n

Frugality

\r\n

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”

\r\n

Powers of Concentration

\r\n

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

\r\n

Risk

\r\n

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.

\r\n

Examples of Bad Press for Engineers

\r\n

\r\n
Hindenberg.
\r\n
\r\n
Space Shuttle Challenger
\r\n
\r\n
Hubble space telescope
\r\n
\r\n
Apollo 13
\r\n
\r\n
Titanic
\r\n
\r\n
Ford Pinto
\r\n
\r\n
Corvair
\r\n

\r\n

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

\r\n

Risk: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

\r\n

Reward: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

\r\n

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

\r\n

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

\r\n

Ego: Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

\r\n

\r\n
How smart they are.
\r\n
\r\n
How many cool devices they own.
\r\n

\r\n

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal — a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

\r\n

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex–and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

\r\n

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”

\r\n

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8737,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:52:40.160514+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T20:54:15.001+00:00","text":"Beer and Ice Cream Diet! 😀","image":"fa721dca-4f08-4a55-abfa-d47b7d13056f.jpg","slug":"beer-and-ice-cream-diet-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":507,"image_height":505,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Beer and Ice Cream Diet! 😀","meta_description":"Beer and Ice Cream Diet! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

\r\n

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.

\r\n

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

\r\n

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

\r\n

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

\r\n

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

\r\n

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

\r\n

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

\r\n

Happy eating!

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8738,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:55:28.309436+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"New Dictionary Definitions! 😀","image":"628eb9a8-b056-4009-8ffa-b26921ee0f00.jpg","slug":"new-dictionary-definitions-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":612,"image_height":380,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • New Dictionary Definitions! 😀","meta_description":"New Dictionary Definitions! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

The following new definitions were added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2018:

\r\n

GOING FOR A McSHIT – Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

\r\n

AEROPLANE BLONDE – One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

\r\n

AUSSIE KISS – Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

\r\n

BEER COAT – The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am in the morning.

\r\n

BEER COMPASS – The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.

\r\n

BOBFOC – Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

\r\n

BREAKING THE SEAL – Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

\r\n

GREYHOUND – A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

\r\n

JOHNNY-NO-STARS – A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

\r\n

MILLENNIUM DOMES – The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually nought in there worth seeing.

\r\n

MONKEY BATH – A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: “Oo!Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!”.

\r\n

MYSTERY BUS – The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

\r\n

MYSTERY TAXI – The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

\r\n

SALAD DODGER – An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

\r\n

SWAMP-DONKEY – A deeply unattractive woman

\r\n

New words for 2017 Work-place vocabulary:

\r\n

TESTICULATING – Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.

\r\n

BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

\r\n

SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

\r\n

ASSMOSIS – The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

\r\n

SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

\r\n

CUBE FARM – An office filled with cubicles.

\r\n

PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see that’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

\r\n

MOUSE POTATO – The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

\r\n

SITCOMs – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

\r\n

STRESS PUPPY – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

\r\n

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

\r\n

ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.

\r\n

404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

\r\n

OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e. g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8739,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:56:56.911103+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Dear Brits … 😀","image":"0409dca8-eb8e-44dd-9fd5-6ab3399baa40.jpg","slug":"dear-brits-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":740,"image_height":482,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Dear Brits … 😀","meta_description":"Dear Brits … 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF THE USA

\r\n

To the imperialist British colonizers.

\r\n

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America.

\r\n

Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

\r\n

\r\n
Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester… You will quit using words such as “fortnight”. The correct term is “a two week period”. You will learn words such as “credenza”, “intern” and “chad”.
\r\n
\r\n
There is no such thing as “UK English”. UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
\r\n
\r\n
Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
\r\n
\r\n
The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use “Mockney” and “Posh” British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He’s a lousy actor and we don’t want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be ‘good guys’.
\r\n
\r\n
You will learn your new national anthem “The Star Spangled Banner”. It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
\r\n
\r\n
You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn’t real football. If it doesn’t require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can’t understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
\r\n
\r\n
In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don’t do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word “cinema”. They are “movie theaters”. The snippets of forthcoming films are not “trailers” they are “teasers”.
\r\n
\r\n
November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as “caravanning”. It is properly called “camping”. The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called “tenting”.
\r\n
\r\n
Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
\r\n
\r\n
Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries – light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
\r\n
\r\n
All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year – be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children with surnames or after interesting medical conditions.
\r\n
\r\n
You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the entire population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
\r\n
\r\n
We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for “Teletubbies”.
\r\n

\r\n

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

\r\n

PS: Regarding WW2: You’re Welcome.

\r\n

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8740,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:58:13.691352+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Dear America … 😀","image":"dae05359-5789-480e-b0cf-babc8dbdf8e0.jpg","slug":"dear-america-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":747,"image_height":490,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Dear America … 😀","meta_description":"Dear America … 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun.","body":"

To the citizens of the United States of America…

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In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
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Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’). You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
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There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’.
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You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
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Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
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You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
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You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
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You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “5hit”. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.
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All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
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As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
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The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”.
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The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnats’ Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnats’ Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
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From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2018) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).
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You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

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Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
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Thank you for your cooperation.
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","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8741,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:08:06.757742+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Court Questions! 😀","image":"06d0fc3d-2722-4417-894c-501ea5b8e671.jpg","slug":"court-questions-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":576,"image_height":380,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Court Questions! 😀","meta_description":"Court Questions! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

These are the things people actually said in US courts, taken down and published by court reporters, who suffered the torment of trying to keep straight faces while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent; don’t miss the last one.

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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or The occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Now Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But the patient could still have been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8742,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:09:21.914153+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:10:38.586+00:00","text":"Complaints to the council! 😀","image":"0727a17d-0075-433b-86b3-24c532c4a684.jpg","slug":"complaints-to-the-council-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":498,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Complaints to the council! 😀","meta_description":"Complaints to the council! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

These are allegedly from real letters to some UK Council’s housing departments:

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My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has Fungus growing on it.
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He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
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It’s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
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I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
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I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
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And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
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I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
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My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
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Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
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I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
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50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
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I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.
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The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
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Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
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Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
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The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
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Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
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I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
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Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
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I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have no satisfaction.
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This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
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","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8743,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:20:41.625127+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:21:13.27+00:00","text":"Corporate life too long? 😀","image":"c2ec9609-cfaa-4a6a-a756-ddb1d2f9f78a.jpg","slug":"corporate-life-too-long-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":590,"image_height":332,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Corporate life too long? 😀","meta_description":"Corporate life too long? 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

You’ve been in corporate life too long when ….

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You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
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You decide to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”
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You refer to dating as test marketing.
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You can spell “paradigm.”
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You actually know what a paradigm is.
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You understand your airline’s fare structure.
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You write executive summaries on your love letters.
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Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
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You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don’t know.
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You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
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You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
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You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
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You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
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You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line”.
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You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering”, “down- sizing”, “right-sizing”, and “firing people’s asses.”
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You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
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You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
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You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
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You refer to your significant other as “my co-CEO.”
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You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
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You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
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You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
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You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
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You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
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At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
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Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
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You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
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You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
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You give constructive feedback to your dog.
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","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8744,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:22:31.841653+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Corporate Horoscope! 😀","image":"2709df19-c185-4ebb-b622-e1207fa98bdb.jpg","slug":"corporate-horoscope-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":650,"image_height":515,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Corporate Horoscope! 😀","meta_description":"Corporate Horoscope! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

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Well, the Corporate Horoscope goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…

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MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

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SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree”, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

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TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

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ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”…

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ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

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HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

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MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ “TEAM LEADS“: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager”.

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SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager”.

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CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from jumping off a cliff. As a child, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

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CONSULTANT: 666 (Satan’s spawn).

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 364, "slug": "jokes", "text": "Jokes", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8745,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:23:48.33878+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:28:09.85+00:00","text":"Computer Viruses from the 1990s 😀","image":"fed4bfbe-c1a2-4e78-98ff-97b4d05a8661.jpg","slug":"computer-viruses-from-the-1990s-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":782,"image_height":586,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Computer Viruses from the 1990s 😀","meta_description":"Computer Viruses from the 1990s 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

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Remember any these 40+ viruses from 30 years ago? Still funny after all these years:

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Ellen Degeneres virus – Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

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Titanic virus – Makes your whole computer go down.

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Disney virus – Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

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Mike Tyson virus – Quits after one byte.

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Viagra virus – Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

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Prozac virus – Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

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Lorena Bobbit virus – Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

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Woody Allen virus – By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

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Joey Buttafuoco virus – Only attacks minor files.

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Spice Girl virus – Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

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Ronald Reagan virus – Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

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Dr. Kevorkian virus – Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

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Oprah Winfrey virus – Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

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AT&T virus – Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

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MCI virus – Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident…It’ll be back.

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Monica Lewinsky virus – Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

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Then there is the Clinton PC – It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

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The John Major Virus – Restricts your colour monitor to 16 levels of grey. Causes no small measure of disruption in a not inconsiderable number of areas. Oh yes!

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The Heseltine Virus – Deletes 31 files, but claims 11 can be recovered.

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The British Rail Virus – 90% of all files loaded from disk arrive 20 minutes late due to reformat of hard disk at 11.17 but is delayed due to wrong kind of interleave. The computers refuse to access the modem due to leaves on the line. Disables carriage return.

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The Gas Board Virus – It won’t do anything now, but will send two viruses round next week.

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The Guardian Virus – Corrects your spell checker. Puts the first word of any titles into italics and deletes the following space.

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The BNFL Virus (British Nuclear Fuels Limited) – When you delete a file it remains on your hard disk for 24000 years, by which time it has shrunk to half its original size.

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The British Telecom Virus – Causes leased lines to be taken out of service, issues a denial that it had anything to do with it, and then sends an invoice to prove it.

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The AA Virus – It doesn’t do any harm itself, but it knows a virus that can.

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The Traffic Cone Virus – Slows down the bus and other traffic, and has a tendency to occur on bank holidays.

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The Crystal Palace Virus – Takes up a lot of space, but doesn’t actually do anything.

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The Dexter Virus – Omits all-important left handed input.

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The Pentium Virus – Prints “I am a name! Not a number!”

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The ASCII Virus – Draws a small comedian on the screen, singing silly songs.

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The Irish Virus – Deletes itself.

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The Dyslexia Virus – Messes about with your flies.

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The Star Trek Virus – Boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

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The John Smith Virus – The best virus we never had.

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The Prison Breakout Virus – Hides your files in a cake.

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The Winona Ryder Virus – Turns your floppy disks into hard ones.

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The Ayrton Senna Virus – Crashes any high speed hard disk.

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The Nat West ATM Virus – Removes 200 bytes from each of your files and then claims that that sort of thing simply isn’t possible.

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The Volvo Virus – Enables disks to survive severe head crashes, but slows processor, impossible to get rid of, and goes on forever.

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The Fred West Virus – Chops up files and buries them under the Motherboard.

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The West Midlands Serious Crime Squad Virus – Alters all your files (but doesn’t hide the changes) then claims that your data fell down the stairs.

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The Kylie Minogue Virus – Infects all your files for a period of time, then disappears completely without trace.

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The Mussollini Virus – Hangs your system – from a lamp post.

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","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8746,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:29:30.691131+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Classified Ads 😀","image":"d64c8071-5bd6-40eb-8a05-732d1fa7dbf3.jpg","slug":"classified-ads-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":640,"image_height":416,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Classified Ads 😀","meta_description":"Classified Ads 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

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Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts or customized gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 401, "slug": "adverts", "text": "Adverts", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8747,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:32:22.198898+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Church Bulletin Typos! 😀","image":"ccc33ea2-85ac-472d-b4a0-3bcdefc48dbe.jpg","slug":"church-bulletin-typos-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":370,"image_height":269,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Church Bulletin Typos! 😀","meta_description":"Church Bulletin Typos! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Here are a few typos found on church bulletins!

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage – 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today’s Sermon: “HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?” with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! An Awful Voice is Sounding”
On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 53, "slug": "religion", "text": "Religion", "created_at": "2024-03-16T12:12:44.911781+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 67, "slug": "typos", "text": "Typos", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:34.921657+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8748,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:33:18.681542+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:34:50.648+00:00","text":"Christmas Greetings (Legally Approved) 😀","image":"7c56c72e-424e-4d8b-ae42-316cb4f46770.jpg","slug":"christmas-greetings-legally-approved-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":707,"image_height":429,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Christmas Greetings (Legally Approved) 😀","meta_description":"Christmas Greetings (Legally Approved) 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for a socially responsible, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, together with a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.

\r\n

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

\r\n

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 137, "slug": "xmas", "text": "Xmas", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:42.881552+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8749,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:35:40.373669+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:36:17.174+00:00","text":"Christmas Accidents! 😀","image":"e7e80dcc-94a0-4df9-be95-e9062a3b2ed6.jpg","slug":"christmas-accidents-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":481,"image_height":385,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Christmas Accidents! 😀","meta_description":"Christmas Accidents! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Some worrying stats from the UK in the years 1999-2000.

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\r\n
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
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31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the Christmas lights were plugged in.
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142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
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19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
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British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
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101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
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18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
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A massive 543 Brits were admitted to hospital in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
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5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
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\r\n
In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 137, "slug": "xmas", "text": "Xmas", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:42.881552+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8750,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:40:26.078246+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:41:01.312+00:00","text":"Why we love children! 😀","image":"aa46f631-b549-4d5f-a6ca-3a1541bcf8ae.jpg","slug":"why-we-love-children-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":549,"image_height":456,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Why we love children! 😀","meta_description":"Why we love children! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father Five minutes later….”Da-ad…” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No, you had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad….” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water? “
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”
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A little boy was doing his math homework He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘ The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
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A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too.”
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 62, "slug": "kids", "text": "Kids", "created_at": "2024-03-26T14:44:02.268726+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8751,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:41:58.392997+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:42:26.478+00:00","text":"Why did the chicken cross the road? 😀","image":"159d52e7-5192-44dd-8b32-56f2d234bcbb.jpg","slug":"why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":960,"image_height":603,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Why did the chicken cross the road? 😀","meta_description":"Why did the chicken cross the road? 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Here are some possible reasons, by folks that might know!

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Kindergarten teacher To get to the other side.
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Plato: For the greater good.
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Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
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Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
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Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
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Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
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Ronald Reagan: I forget.
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Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
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Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
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Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportationindustry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
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Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
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Martin Luther King: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
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Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
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Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
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Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
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Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
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Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
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Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
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Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2018, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
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Oliver Stone: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
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Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
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Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
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Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
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Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
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Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
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Michael Schumacher: It was an instinctive manouvre, the chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.
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Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
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Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
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Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 364, "slug": "jokes", "text": "Jokes", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8752,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:43:54.489834+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Bush Quotes! 😀","image":"9092b2f2-2712-4fee-9a29-25c41b368295.jpg","slug":"bush-quotes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":359,"image_height":450,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Bush Quotes! 😀","meta_description":"Bush Quotes! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun. President Bush","body":"

Some famous quotes by the ex-President of the USA

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“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
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“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
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“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
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“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
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“The future will be better tomorrow.”
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“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.”
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“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
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“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”
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“Public speaking is very easy.”
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“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
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“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
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“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
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“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
\r\n
\r\n
“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 120, "slug": "presidents", "text": "Presidents", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:50.311605+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8753,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:48:22.316183+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Bizarre Facts! 😀","image":"95e7d1e3-88ce-4b3e-ae2b-d087dcc4d94e.jpg","slug":"bizarre-facts-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":1920,"image_height":1280,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Bizarre Facts! 😀","meta_description":"Bizarre Facts! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

An ostrich’s eye is bigger that it’s brain.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it’s stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses it’s forearms to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present anddon’t die throughout the movie.
A whale’s penis is called a dork.
To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs- it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The word “samba” means “to rub navels together.”
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said “Play it again, Sam.”
Sherlock Holmes never said “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
More people are struck by lightning than attacked by sharks.
Cars are the biggest killers of people (except in Victoria where it?s swimming in the surf)!
A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average man falls asleep within 30 seconds of having sex (if not during).
Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12,345,678,987,654,321.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down – hence the expression “to get fired.”
Canada is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
The term “the whole 9 yards” came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.
Dr. Seuss pronounced “Seuss” such that it rhymed with rejoice.”
The term, “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye” is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, “No eye gouging.” Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone’s eye out.
Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand.
The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop.
Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television’s Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
The underside of a horse’s hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
The “save” icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”
The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”
The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same – they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.
The word ‘pound’ is abbreviated ‘lb.’ after the constellation ‘libra’ because it means ‘pound’ in Latin, also ‘scales’. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an ‘L’ for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation (‘lira’ coming from ‘libra’). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as “pounds/shillings/pence”, abbreviated “L/s/d” (libra/solidus/denarius).
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.
Pinocchio is Italian for “pine head.”
Camel’s milk does not curdle.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy’s Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The world’s largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of “Lorne Greene’s Wild Kingdom.”
Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.
If you bring a raccoon’s head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.
The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was “Rock the Casba” by the Clash.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The only nation who’s name begins with an “A”, but doesn’t end in an “A” is Afghanastan.
The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.
When opossums are playing ‘possum, they are not “playing.” They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades – King David, Clubs – Alexander the Great, Hearts – Charlemagne, and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8754,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:49:42.920867+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Answerphone Messages! 😀","image":"2e9a0f37-42d8-4c60-87e9-c1afec48ca16.jpg","slug":"answerphone-messages-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":535,"image_height":374,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Answerphone Messages! 😀","meta_description":"Answerphone Messages! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money!

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Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right…real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

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“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

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My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

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(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

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“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

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The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

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He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

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“If you are a burglar calling to check, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

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“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8755,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:51:19.927881+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"How to be Annoying! 😀","image":"2461488b-1336-4b99-9442-f9803e46a643.jpg","slug":"how-to-be-annoying-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":551,"image_height":359,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • How to be Annoying! 😀","meta_description":"How to be Annoying! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

How to annoy the police

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Say out loud when he/she approaches you “You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?”
Ask to see his gun.
When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
Say out loud “Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!”
Slap his hand and say “Bad cop! No donut!”
When he frisks you, say “You missed a spot”, and grin.
After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.
Refer to him by his first name.
When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.

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How to annoy everyone

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Pay tolls with $100 bills
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
Eat produce at the market; don’t buy it
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
Knock and ask “How is it going?” to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
Announce when you’re going to the bathroom
Chew other people’s pencils
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
Wear large hats during the movies
Touch strangers
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
Bite your dentist’s finger
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Leave lipstick prints on people’s cheeks and foreheads
Don’t stand during hymns and anthems
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
Tell people they have bad breath
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Flirt with a friend’s spouse
Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
Shake with your left hand
Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

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How to annoy your driving test examiner

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Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Beep your horn at everything.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear at everybody on the road.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

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How to annoy your flat mate

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Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.
Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g.”The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Collect all your urine in a small jug.
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8756,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:52:40.101852+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Anagrams 😀","image":"f05d87b4-3595-4f35-9ca7-4673c373c7e7.jpg","slug":"anagrams-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":250,"image_height":188,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Anagrams 😀","meta_description":"Anagrams 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever:

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\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Dormitory	Dirty Room
Evangelist	Evil’s Agent
Desperation	A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code	Here Come Dots
Slot Machines	Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity	Is No Amity
Mother-in-law	Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms	Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness	Genuine Class
Semolina	Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries	Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point	I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes	That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two	Twelve plus one
Contradiction	Accord not in it

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This one’s truly amazing:

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To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”

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And the Anagram:

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“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”

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And for the grand finale:

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“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” — Neil Armstrong

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The Anagram:

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“Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 121, "slug": "puzzles", "text": "Puzzles", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:41:06.067241+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8757,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:54:07.579444+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Americans’ Guide to Britain! 😀","image":"b4c46757-b971-49e2-b3de-be275664b316.jpg","slug":"americans-guide-to-britain-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":300,"image_height":186,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Americans’ Guide to Britain! 😀","meta_description":"Americans’ Guide to Britain! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

This guide is for American tourists visiting Britain, who may otherwise be confused by strange British customs.

General
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the modern word for what was once called a “shilling” — the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called “wellies” and friends are called “tossers.” If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” — he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

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Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank — everyone will understand and forgive you.

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Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are “in the know” — one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you’ve requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

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One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as “cottaging.” Many of the boats (called “yer-i-nals”) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it’s a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

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Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

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Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn’t, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia — try an Ely ’84 or Ripon ’88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

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Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).

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Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don’t forget that buses are called “prams” in England, and trains are called “bumbershoots”–it’s a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called “lorries” and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the “off-license”. It’s also very important to know that a “doctor” only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an “MP” (which stands for “master physician”).

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For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

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Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say “Subway” and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

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One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization — the “shin” stands for “shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8758,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:58:53.249193+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Airline Talk! 😀","image":"f439af73-3f12-486b-b263-39dfd488a62b.jpg","slug":"airline-talk-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":600,"image_height":400,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Airline Talk! 😀","meta_description":"Airline Talk! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

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“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

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“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

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“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”

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Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

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Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

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United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the Little Fokker in sight.”

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

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While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”

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Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

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San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

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If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

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There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”

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Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

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“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked,

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“The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

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Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

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A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”

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“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”

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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

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Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

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Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

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Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

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The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

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Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

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The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

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“I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

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So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

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Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

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Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

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Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

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Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

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Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

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Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.”

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While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

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An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

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Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

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“God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

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“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

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Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

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Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 50, "slug": "airplanes", "text": "Airplanes", "created_at": "2024-03-14T20:20:16.167849+00:00", "updated_at": "2024-03-17T21:05:36.488+00:00"}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8759,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T21:59:59.360557+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T22:00:23.309+00:00","text":"Achtung! 😀","image":"03dff7f1-52fe-4915-8c2a-6fa3f408d37e.jpg","slug":"achtung-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":500,"image_height":239,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Achtung! 😀","meta_description":"Achtung! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Das Machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren musten keepen das cotten-pickenen hands in das pockets – relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.

The above was apparently based on the following, original version, from the early 1960s:

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Alles touristen und non-technischen looken peepers! Das machinkontrol is nicht for gefengerpoken und mittengrabben. Oderwise is easy schnappen der springenverk, blowenfus, undpoppencorken mit spitzensparken. Der machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur geverken by das dumpkopfen. Das rubber necken sightseenen keepen das cotton-picken hands in das pockets. So relaxen, und vatchen das blinkenlights.

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And here’s the phony English version the Germans use:

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This room is fullfilled mit special electronische equipment. Fingergrabbing and pressing the knoeppkes from the computers is allowed for die experts only! So all the “lefthanders” stay away and do not disturben the brainstorming von here working intelligences. Otherwise you will be outthrown and kicked anderswhere! Also: please keep still and only watchen astaunished the blinkenlights.

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Of course, this warning would not be complete without the Internet version:

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Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclickend und giffengrabben. Ist easy droppenpacket der Routers und overloaden der Backbone mit der spammen und der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei die Dummkopfen. Die mausklicken Sichtseeren keepen das Bandwidth-spewen Hands in die Pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken.

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Finally, the iPhone version:

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Das iPhone ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy scratch der Screene, zappen RAM, und droppen-smashen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das Dummkopfen. Das rubber-necken Sichtseeren keep die Hands in die Pockets — relaxen und watchen Das Blinkenlights.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8760,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T22:02:34.156413+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T22:03:09.382+00:00","text":"Brand Mistakes! 😀","image":"c2cfcd92-ec75-4e9c-b522-793b40ed772d.jpg","slug":"brand-mistakes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":300,"image_height":225,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Brand Mistakes! 😀","meta_description":"Brand Mistakes! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

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Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea”.
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Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.
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Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
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In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off”.
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The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem-Feeling Free”, was translated into the Japanese market as “When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty”.
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When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read English.
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Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
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An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
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In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into “Schweppes Toilet Water”.
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Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”, in Chinese.
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We all know about GM’s Chevy Nova meaning “it won’t go” in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning “horse”.
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Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means “big breasts”.
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Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”.
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When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.
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The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “happiness in the mouth”.
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A few years ago, in the American Midwest, some people decided to show off their new “real” Mexican restaurant, named Chi-chi’s to some visiting Californians. Upon seeing the name on the marquis, the Californians started to laugh. When asked why they were laughing, they explained that in Mexican Spanish, “chi-chi’s” literally means “titties.”
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","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8761,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-14T10:22:32.968986+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"You know who you are! 😃","image":"4c8362c1-fdf8-41db-b716-6c0744102995.jpeg","slug":"you-know-who-you-are-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":679,"image_height":419,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • You know who you are! 😃","meta_description":"You know who you are! 😃 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web.","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8762,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-14T10:24:15.237958+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Took me a second!😃","image":"cbdd2dde-5864-48ff-acbc-4cdc15c02992.JPG","slug":"took-me-a-second-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-14","image_width":600,"image_height":721,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Took me a second!😃","meta_description":"Took me a second!😃 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Looking up with a beard","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 52, "slug": "illusions", "text": "Illusions", "created_at": "2024-03-16T12:11:22.037497+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8703,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:15:58.443544+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:31:34.889+00:00","text":"Security Levels Raised! 😀","image":"73e1c223-ba51-409a-92a5-041a61e2c0b4.jpg","slug":"security-levels-raised-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":650,"image_height":434,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Security Levels Raised! 😀","meta_description":"Security Levels Raised! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

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The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

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The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

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It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

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The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

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Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

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The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

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And in the southern hemisphere…

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New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

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Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is canceled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8704,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:19:08.015241+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:31:19.071+00:00","text":"Naughty Places! 😀","image":"cf73f5c0-43d7-46fc-b2b6-a3e8bdaa0d20.jpg","slug":"naughty-places-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":725,"image_height":374,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Naughty Places! 😀","meta_description":"Naughty Places! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

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Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

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Muff (Republic of Ireland)

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Bastard (Norway)

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Twatt (Shetland, UK)

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Twatt (Orkney, UK)

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Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

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Wankie (Zimbabwe)

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Climax (Colorado, USA)

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Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

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Shafter (California, USA)

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Dongo (Congo – Democratic Republic)

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Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

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Donk (Belgium)

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Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

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Brown Willy (every schoolboy’s favourite, Cornwall, UK)

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Lord Berkeley’s Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

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Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

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Stains (Near Paris, France)

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Seymen (Turkey)

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Turdo (Romania)

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Fukum (Yemen)

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Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

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Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

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Fuku (Shensi, China)

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Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

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Wanks River (Nicaragua)

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Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

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Wankener (India)

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Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

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Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

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Hold With Hope (Greenland)

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Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

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Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

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Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

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Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

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Tittybong (Australia)

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Dikshit (India)

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Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

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Chinaman’s Knob (Australia)

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 28, "slug": "rude", "text": "Rude", "created_at": "2024-01-26T10:03:23.172034+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8705,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:21:09.60843+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:31:01.837+00:00","text":"Rednecks. A Beginner’s Guide! 😀","image":"4aef947c-cc80-4de3-8fbc-143fd711454d.jpg","slug":"rednecks-a-beginner-s-guide-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":979,"image_height":657,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Rednecks. A Beginner’s Guide! 😀","meta_description":"Rednecks. A Beginner’s Guide! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun.","body":"

Dining Out

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When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

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If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

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Entertaining In Your Home

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A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

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Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

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Personal Hygiene

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While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

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Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

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However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

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Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

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Dating (Outside the Family)

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Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

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Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

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Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

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Theatre Etiquette

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Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

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Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

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Weddings

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Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

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Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.

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For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

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Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

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Driving Etiquette

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Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

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When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

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Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

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When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

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Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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Tips For All Occasions

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Never take a beer to a job interview.

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Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

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It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

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If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

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Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8706,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:25:11.578668+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:30:48.711+00:00","text":"What to say when you are pulled over! 😀","image":"8dbbb680-55f8-4cc2-89d2-c086433fc947.jpg","slug":"what-to-say-when-you-are-pulled-over-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":644,"image_height":444,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • What to say when you are pulled over! 😀","meta_description":"What to say when you are pulled over! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

No, YOU assume the position.

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I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

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If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

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No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

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No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.

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Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece.

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But officer, I’ve got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1

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I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

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On the way to the station let’s get a six pack, oh don’t forget the cig’s

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You’ll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

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Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

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Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?

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How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

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So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means

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What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 48, "slug": "cars", "text": "Cars", "created_at": "2024-03-11T16:51:04.198288+00:00", "updated_at": "2024-07-25T14:06:19.35+00:00"}}, {"tag": {"id": 56, "slug": "police", "text": "Police", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:05:30.641099+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8707,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:29:12.142463+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:30:33.11+00:00","text":"Political Quotes! 😀","image":"1284a3eb-d135-4cc1-b55d-591fcaa16d88.png","slug":"political-quotes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":452,"image_height":220,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Political Quotes! 😀","meta_description":"Political Quotes! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Some Words of Wisdom from British Politicians of the Conservative Party!

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“Suicide is a real threat to health.”
– Virginia Bottomley

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“Anyone would think we were living on some island somewhere.”
– George Walden

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“It’s not the future I’m talking about, I’m talking about tomorrow.”
– John Gummer

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“The trend in the rise in unemployment is downward.”
– Gillian Shepherd

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“The more important things, are more important, than the less important things.”
– Stephen Dorrell

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“When the IRA plant such bombs, it proves they can scare people, it proves they can kill people, it proves nothing.”
– Peter Bottomley

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“We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that… zero must mean plus or minus a few.”
– William Waldegrave

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“Who Sadam Hussein kills, dies.”
– Jeffrey Archer

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“There’s no smoke without mud being flung around.”
– Edwina Currie

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“I will never forget the 1981, — or was it 1982? — honours list.”
– Julian Critchley

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“All those people who say that there will never be a Single European Currency are trying to forecast history.”
– Kenneth Clark

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“The British public sees with blinding clarity.”
– Michael Heseltine

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“You know what they say-don’t get mad, get angry.”
– Edwina Currie

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“We are not wholly an island, except geographically.”
– John Major

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8708,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:30:35.537578+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:30:16.478+00:00","text":"Pizza Ordering Fun! 😀","image":"15070972-7e1d-4555-8849-74bacbb10a8a.jpg","slug":"pizza-ordering-fun-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":663,"image_height":373,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Pizza Ordering Fun! 😀","meta_description":"Pizza Ordering Fun! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Try these next time you order a pizza on the phone. Keep a straight face mind you!

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Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
Answer their questions with questions.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Stutter on the letter “p.”
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
Change your accent every three seconds.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” See how they respond.
Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Imitate the order taker’s voice.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu.
Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.\r\n
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
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If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
When you’ve given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Order a steamed pizza.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8709,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:54:47.620974+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:30:03.606+00:00","text":"Peter Kaye One Liners! 😀","image":"4355787e-fcf0-4f5e-88ef-06f5e7151461.jpg","slug":"peter-kaye-one-liners-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":960,"image_height":504,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Peter Kaye One Liners! 😀","meta_description":"Peter Kaye One Liners! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Wise words?

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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said – ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.’
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

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Good Questions

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Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

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Universal Truths

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Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 5378008 into a calculator
Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.
You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8710,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:58:55.979366+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:15:41.392+00:00","text":"Operating Systems! 😀","image":"73d786b0-7a88-4878-bffe-f87fd49683ce.jpeg","slug":"operating-systems-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":560,"image_height":240,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Operating Systems! 😀","meta_description":"Operating Systems! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

What driving to the shops would be like if your car was run by an Operating system.

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MS-DOS….You get in the car and try to remember which key you need.

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Windows 3.0…You get in the car and drive to the shops VERY slowly because attached to the rear of the car is a freight train

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Windows NT…You get in the car and write a letter that says “go to the shops”. You then get out of the car and post the letter to the dashboard.

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OS/2….After filling the car with 6000 gallons of fuel, you get in and drive to the shops with a motorcycle escort and marching band in procession. Halfway there the car blows up, killing everybody.

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UNIX…You get in the car and type “grep SHOPS » pg > /dev/hft0”. After reaching speeds of 200 mph en route you arrive at the theatre.

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OS/400…The car locks you inside and when you arrive at the shops you can watch everybody else go shopping.

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MVS…You start the car with the starting handle, get in and wait for the man with the red flag to turn up.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8711,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T17:14:48.738482+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Workplace Pranks! 😀","image":"61d4692b-0413-4f29-8877-0d095960252a.jpg","slug":"workplace-pranks-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":950,"image_height":534,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Workplace Pranks! 😀","meta_description":"Workplace Pranks! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

These are some of our favourite pranks to pull on colleagues. They are all great and very simple to pull off!

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When two (or more) people are working at desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!

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Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.

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It is always a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f*ck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.

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Get a hold of someone’s cell phone and change the greeting banner to say “NO SERVICE”.

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Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in colleague’s drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.

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Go into MS Word or similar program on colleague’s computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word “the” with the phrase “you suck!”. They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.

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Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.

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Do a “Print Screen” of the user’s desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the ‘snapshot’ of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You’ll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it…sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

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This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

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Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will autoplay when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

\r\n

This is for that special person you just can’t stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically “blind carbon copy” their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

\r\n

Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction)and switch to expresso!

\r\n

Try “password securing” someone’s screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to “scrolling marquee” and inserting your own word or phrase, “Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT” or something to that effect.

\r\n

With someone who is on the phone a lot during work – this works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won’t be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

\r\n

Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection “fish head stew” etc… before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

\r\n

My absolutely most favorite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the ‘m’ and ‘n’ key on someone’s keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8713,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T17:28:08.161762+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Odd Facts! 😀","image":"7ea7ae8f-b2e1-4494-9cd6-b2007ecbc84e.jpg","slug":"odd-facts-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":600,"image_height":450,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Odd Facts! 😀","meta_description":"Odd Facts! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Coca-Cola was originally green.

\r\n

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury

\r\n

Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever

\r\n

Dumbest: afghan

\r\n

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

\r\n

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

\r\n

Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up: 1 in 2

\r\n

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000

\r\n

City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong

\r\n

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

\r\n

Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

\r\n

Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

\r\n

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

\r\n

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

\r\n

Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44

\r\n

Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

\r\n

Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36

\r\n

City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash., DC.

\r\n

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

\r\n

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

\r\n

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

\r\n

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

\r\n

Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes cards:105

\r\n

Cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

\r\n

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

\r\n

Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70

\r\n

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

\r\n

Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

\r\n

Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3

\r\n

Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day:

\r\n

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

\r\n

Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

\r\n

Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7

\r\n

Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

\r\n

Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan

\r\n

Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

\r\n

Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for “Profiles in Courage”

\r\n

Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

\r\n

Only food that does not spoil: honey

\r\n

Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)

\r\n

Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

\r\n

Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

\r\n

Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig

\r\n

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

\r\n

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

\r\n

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

\r\n

Polar bears are left-handed.

\r\n

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

\r\n

Eskimos never gamble.

\r\n

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

\r\n

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

\r\n

Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school.

\r\n

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

\r\n

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

\r\n

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

\r\n

Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.

\r\n

Hot water is heavier than cold.

\r\n

The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

\r\n

They have square watermelons in Japan…they stack better.

\r\n

Starfish have eight eyes–one at the end of each leg.

\r\n

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

\r\n

First novel ever written on a typewriter was “Tom Sawyer”.

\r\n

There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.

\r\n

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

\r\n

Men get hiccups more often than woman.

\r\n

Armadillos can be housetrained.

Let’s face it–English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple…

\r\n

English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

\r\n

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

\r\n

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

\r\n

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

\r\n

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

\r\n

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

\r\n

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

\r\n

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

\r\n

Now I know why I flunked my English. it’s not my fault but the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8715,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:07:50.48714+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Are you over 50? 😀","image":"71f21c0f-436d-47ac-b62f-3140f91b632b.png","slug":"are-you-over-50-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":820,"image_height":720,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Are you over 50? 😀","meta_description":"Are you over 50? 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

\r\n

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent ‘spokey dokey’s’ on our wheels.

\r\n

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags – riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

\r\n

We ate chips, bread & butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

\r\n

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

\r\n

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

\r\n

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

\r\n

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

\r\n

We had friends – we went outside and found them.

\r\n

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

\r\n

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law-suits.

\r\n

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

\r\n

We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

\r\n

We walked to friends’ homes.

\r\n

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn’t rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

\r\n

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

\r\n

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

\r\n

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of…They actually sided with the law.

\r\n

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

\r\n

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

\r\n

And you’re one of them. Congratulations!

\r\n

And there’s more …… The majority of students in universities today were born in 1998……..They are called youth. They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them ….

\r\n

There has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD’s have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.
They’ll never have applied to be on Jim’ll Fix It or Why Don’t You.
They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

\r\n

Now let’s check if we’re getting old…

\r\n

You understand what was written above and you smile.
You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.

\r\n

Looks like its official – we’re old!

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There’s no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them… really.

\r\n

Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something)…

\r\n

What is:

\r\n

1+5

\r\n

2+4

\r\n

3+3

\r\n

4+2

\r\n

5+1

\r\n

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. then arrow down

\r\n

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then scroll down.

\r\n

Keep going.

\r\n

You’re thinking of a carrot, right?

\r\n

If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 121, "slug": "puzzles", "text": "Puzzles", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:41:06.067241+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8717,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:17:31.032721+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Twas the Noche! 😀","image":"68b9c389-ee29-4706-a625-27997b6d081d.jpg","slug":"twas-the-noche-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":800,"image_height":598,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Twas the Noche! 😀","meta_description":"Twas the Noche! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa
Not a creature was stirring, caramba! Qué pasa?
Los niños were tucked away in their camas
Some in vestidos and some in pajamas.

\r\n

While Mamá worked in her little cocina,
El viejo was down at the corner cantina.
The stockings were hanging with mucho cuidado,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas would feel obligado

\r\n

To bring all the children both buenos and malos
A nice bunch of dulces and other regalos
Outside in the yard, there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito

\r\n

I ran to the window and looked afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big read sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero!

\r\n

And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados,
Were eight little burros approaching volados.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:

\r\n

Ay Chato! Ay Pepe! Ay Cuca! Ay Beto!
Ay Pancho! Ay Chopo! Maruca y Nieto!’
Then standing erect with his hand on his pecho,
He flew to the top of our very own techo!

\r\n

With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea,
Then huffing and puffing, at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala;

\r\n

He filled the stockings with lovely regalos,
For none of the niños had been very malos.
Then chuckling along, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like el viento.

\r\n

And I heard him exclaim and this is verdad,
‘Merry Christmas to all, Feliz Navidad!’

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 137, "slug": "xmas", "text": "Xmas", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:42.881552+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8718,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:28:46.413977+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Newspaper Headline Fails! 😀","image":"0c59c013-3687-402a-98b3-03a5dbfb87fc.jpg","slug":"newspaper-headline-fails-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":291,"image_height":173,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Newspaper Headline Fails! 😀","meta_description":"Newspaper Headline Fails! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

This is a collection of Newspaper Headlines that have been collected by journalists to show how not to do it!

\r\n

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies In House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Fertile Girl Killed Near Climax (Grand Forks Herald, circa 1962, referring to an auto accident and two nearby towns)

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 67, "slug": "typos", "text": "Typos", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:34.921657+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8719,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:30:32.724131+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"New Word Meanings! 😀","image":"8f4b64aa-9e70-40d7-b1ba-d3a6ac6e5967.jpg","slug":"new-word-meanings-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":453,"image_height":299,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • New Word Meanings! 😀","meta_description":"New Word Meanings! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

\r\n

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

\r\n

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

\r\n

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

\r\n

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

\r\n

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

\r\n

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

\r\n

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

\r\n

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

\r\n

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

\r\n

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

\r\n

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

\r\n

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

\r\n

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

\r\n

Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

\r\n

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8720,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:33:34.018921+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Mysteries! 😀","image":"b7d8473f-aa78-4b0c-b3ce-f02ac85052c8.png","slug":"mysteries-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":785,"image_height":217,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Mysteries! 😀","meta_description":"Mysteries! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Ever Wonder …

\r\n

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

\r\n

Only in America …

\r\n

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage.
do people buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
do they use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8721,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:36:11.806388+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Guy Rules! 😀","image":"e081a0f2-80e8-4d2f-8bc2-529a7e8dac22.jpg","slug":"guy-rules-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":698,"image_height":400,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Guy Rules! 😀","meta_description":"Guy Rules! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:-

\r\n

Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.

\r\n

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 104, "slug": "men", "text": "Men", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:53.784876+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8722,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:42:50.555961+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Lived in London too long? 😀","image":"9a06e4a7-3dea-4872-b6ba-57fee0565dd5.jpg","slug":"lived-in-london-too-long-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":840,"image_height":340,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Lived in London too long? 😀","meta_description":"Lived in London too long? 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

You’ve lived in London too long when …

\r\n

You say “The City” and expect everyone to know which one.
You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds, but love Brighton.
You say “The Tower” and expect everyone to know which one.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to a pub in Elephant & Castle at 15:30 on Friday, but can’t find Dorset on a map.
Prostitutes and homeless people are invisible.
You step over people who collapse on the tube.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You’ve considered stabbing someone.
Your door has more than three locks.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You call an 8×10 plot of patchy grass a garden.
You know where Karl Marx is buried.
You consider Essex the countryside.
You’re paying £1,200 a month for a flat the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it’s a bargain.
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
You buy ar 15 accessories for your next hiking trip.
You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
You haven’t cooked a meal since helping Mum last Christmas with the turkey.
Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
£50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.
You have a minimum of five worst-cab-ride-ever stories.
You don’t hear sirens anymore.
You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs.
Your house cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian.
You wouldn’t want to live anywhere else until you get married.

\r\n

If you’re an American guy and you’ve lived in London for a while, you know it’s too long when …

\r\n

You don’t even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.
Wearing a suit in a pub is relatively normal attire.
You can’t remember what ‘customer service’ means.
After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house, and not a 24 hour McDonalds.
You start to accept queuing as a way of life.
More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.
You always call soccer ‘football’ … and you have a team…and it’s not Manchester United.
You don’t think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.
A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear.
You accept (albeit reluctantly) that men who cut, comb and style their hair using hair products are not necessarily gay.
You think 20 quid for a haircut is quite reasonable.
You finish every sentence with ‘Cheers’ and/or ‘Yeah?’.
You only just realise you have lost your sunglasses – you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.
You start thinking English cuisine isn’t all that bad after all, I mean, it’s hard to beat a full English breakfast.
You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat.
You buy a disposable baby BBQ from Argos.
You realise your sunscreen is the stuff you originally brought from home with you.
A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn’t even enter your head.
You actually say, “Sor’ed”, “It’s all gone a bit pear shaped” or “A’right?”.
You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.
You have given up explaining why you are half an hour late to work as no-one notices or cares.
Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.
You think twice about giving up your seat on the tube to a pregnant woman or elderly person.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8723,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T19:44:17.505009+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Light Bulb Jokes! 😀","image":"4a50a3bc-fcfd-42f3-a037-87912bb49e30.jpg","slug":"light-bulb-jokes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":400,"image_height":300,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Light Bulb Jokes! 😀","meta_description":"Light Bulb Jokes! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the breasts, I mean ladder

\r\n

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to change it, one not to change it

\r\n

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “coping with darkness”.

\r\n

Q: How many thriller writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two – one gets it almost all the way in, then the other comes along and applies a surprising twist at the end.

\r\n

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb in another divorced man’s house?
A: Yeah, like he gets the house!

\r\n

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.

\r\n

Q: How many Matrix fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There is no lightbulb…

\r\n

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10, 1 to change the light bulb, the other 9 to congratulate him down the pub.

\r\n

Q: How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 101, 1 to hold the bulb, the other 100 to push the house around!

\r\n

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to say “here’s one we did earlier”

\r\n

Q: How many kids with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hey! Do you wanna go ride bikes?

\r\n

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

\r\n

Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

\r\n

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32…….

\r\n

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

\r\n

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it’s actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one’s shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

\r\n

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.

\r\n

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin’ mate!

\r\n

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just One! They are efficient and don’t have a sense of humour!

\r\n

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 364, "slug": "jokes", "text": "Jokes", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8724,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:07:06.17748+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Children on “Love” 😀","image":"397061ef-264f-474f-8be4-ee9275d662d9.png","slug":"children-on-love-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":560,"image_height":300,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Children on “Love” 😀","meta_description":"Children on “Love” 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:

\r\n

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

\r\n

“Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work any more, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)

\r\n

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!” (Tom, 5)

\r\n

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

\r\n

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

\r\n

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

\r\n

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

\r\n

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

\r\n

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

\r\n

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” (Lynette, 9)

\r\n

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

\r\n

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

\r\n

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)

\r\n

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

\r\n

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

\r\n

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)

\r\n

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)

\r\n

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

\r\n

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)

\r\n

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)

\r\n

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

\r\n

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

\r\n

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8)

\r\n

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

\r\n

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)

\r\n

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)

\r\n

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

\r\n

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

\r\n

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)

\r\n

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

\r\n

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

\r\n

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

\r\n

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s some- thing she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

\r\n

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

\r\n

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)

\r\n

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)

\r\n

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are…on fire.” (Christine, 9)

\r\n

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU“

\r\n

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

\r\n

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

\r\n

“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)

\r\n

“It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

\r\n

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE

\r\n

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

\r\n

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

\r\n

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)

\r\n

“Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)

\r\n

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Randy, 8)

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 62, "slug": "kids", "text": "Kids", "created_at": "2024-03-26T14:44:02.268726+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8725,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T20:09:00.611551+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Good Questions! 😀","image":"7b52da98-5879-4740-8665-1cbb1eb14b18.jpg","slug":"good-questions-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":770,"image_height":216,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Good Questions! 😀","meta_description":"Good Questions! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

\r\n

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

\r\n

How is it possible to have a civil war?

\r\n

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

\r\n

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

\r\n

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

\r\n

If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?

\r\n

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

\r\n

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

\r\n

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

\r\n

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

\r\n

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

\r\n

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

\r\n

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

\r\n

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

\r\n

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

\r\n

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

\r\n

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

\r\n

And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?

\r\n

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

\r\n

How can there be self-help “groups”?

\r\n

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

\r\n

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his *hands* with soap?

\r\n

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

\r\n

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

\r\n

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

\r\n

Is there another word for synonym?

\r\n

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

\r\n

Just “before” someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

\r\n

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

\r\n

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

\r\n

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

\r\n

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

\r\n

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

\r\n

Why do they report power outages on TV?

\r\n

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

\r\n

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

\r\n

If you lick the air, does it get wet?

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8699,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T12:59:49.842279+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Easy mistake! 😀","image":"a544be39-7515-4546-96b8-836b222cae9f.JPG","slug":"easy-mistake-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":625,"image_height":357,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Easy mistake! 😀","meta_description":"Easy mistake! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun. Mistaken for an Adult! ","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8700,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:06:56.412488+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:16:30.119+00:00","text":"Spell Chequer 😀","image":"9370c1b1-0b18-444b-b3ca-4554ddc64212.jpg","slug":"spell-chequer-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":519,"image_height":293,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Spell Chequer 😀","meta_description":"Spell Chequer 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

\r\n

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

\r\n

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

\r\n

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

\r\n

Sauce unknown

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8701,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:10:39.472488+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:16:13.347+00:00","text":"Signage! 😀","image":"505e3422-c401-4ea4-9b04-891cbf82a25b.jpg","slug":"signage-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":675,"image_height":502,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Signage! 😀","meta_description":"Signage! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Sign on an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts

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Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak

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Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day

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Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

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On Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push”

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On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog

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Optometrist’s Office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place

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Scientist’s Door: Gone Fission

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Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff

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Podiatrist’s Window: Time wounds all heels

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Butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs

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Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

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Sign on Fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive”

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Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment

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Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming

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Hotel: “Help!” We need inn – experienced people

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Butcher’s Window: Pleased to meat you

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Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

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Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here

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Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

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Music Teacher’s Door: “Out Chopin”

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At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be”

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Beauty Shop: Dye now!

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Garbage Truck: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got

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Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte”

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Restaurant Window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

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Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop

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Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

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Music Library: Bach in a minuet

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Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we’ll wait

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At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

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In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

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On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” – Sisters of Mercy”

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On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

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In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

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In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

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In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”

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In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

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In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center” where this method is being used as light therapy

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On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

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On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship..”

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At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

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On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

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In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

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In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

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In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

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On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”

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Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

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In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

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In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

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On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”

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In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”

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In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

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On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”

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On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”

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On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

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Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8702,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-13T16:14:00.772865+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T17:15:57.858+00:00","text":"Special High Intensity Training! 😀","image":"545ba81a-afec-4d3b-a03a-b291bff0f5d4.jpg","slug":"special-high-intensity-training-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-13","image_width":728,"image_height":230,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Special High Intensity Training! 😀","meta_description":"Special High Intensity Training! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.?

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If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

\r\n

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before the job, please see your manager.

\r\n

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

\r\n

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

\r\n

Thank you,

\r\n

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 28, "slug": "rude", "text": "Rude", "created_at": "2024-01-26T10:03:23.172034+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8697,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-12T20:10:01.441135+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-14T10:23:36.18+00:00","text":"Bit ambitious, huh? 😀 ","image":"5b6a1b1f-a849-4c5c-92e7-0dfa1b71c757.JPG","slug":"bit-ambitious-huh-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-12","image_width":390,"image_height":525,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Bit ambitious, huh? 😀 ","meta_description":"Bit ambitious, huh? 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web.","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 123, "slug": "roads", "text": "Roads", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:41:17.684785+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8698,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-12T20:19:32.582947+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T10:51:32.561+00:00","text":"Who (exactly) needs this info? (Worrying!) 😀","image":"95baa38b-31dd-4e84-b541-58c5356fe389.JPG","slug":"who-exactly-needs-this-info-worrying-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-12","image_width":518,"image_height":510,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Who (exactly) needs this info? (Worrying!) 😀","meta_description":"Who (exactly) needs this info? (Worrying!) 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Cinnamon bun. Not actual size","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8696,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-11T12:27:13.982559+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T10:52:22.804+00:00","text":"You have been warned! 😃","image":"c057f537-884a-40cb-a769-c12124d04999.jpg","slug":"you-have-been-warned-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-11","image_width":560,"image_height":615,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • You have been warned! 😃","meta_description":"You have been warned! 😃 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun. If you wear Crocs","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8693,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:53:09.442556+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-11T12:30:03.35+00:00","text":"My gift to you! 😃","image":"01689c39-8543-43b0-ad4b-98957f55d2f1.jpg","slug":"my-gift-to-you-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-08","image_width":450,"image_height":610,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • My gift to you! 😃","meta_description":"My gift to you! 😃 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 68, "slug": "alcohol", "text": "Alcohol", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:26:12.980066+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8694,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:54:49.529401+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Bit ironic! 🤔 ","image":"8c1fa4fa-0a17-4962-8860-44a89fd6a048.jpg","slug":"bit-ironic-%f0%9f%a4%94","date":"2024-09-08","image_width":640,"image_height":507,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Bit ironic! 🤔 ","meta_description":"Bit ironic! 🤔 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 27, "slug": "ironic", "text": "Ironic", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:48:27.12892+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8695,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T16:02:19.819271+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Do we all know this person? 😀 ","image":"f4821e52-53e9-4075-aef6-04be5cbfda0b.jpg","slug":"do-we-all-know-this-person-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-08","image_width":864,"image_height":721,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Do we all know this person? 😀 ","meta_description":"Do we all know this person? 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 24, "slug": "dogs", "text": "Dogs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:17.45635+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8691,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:48:39.468498+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-11T12:32:57.513+00:00","text":"True huh? 😃","image":"f26eb0fc-1bf2-48ab-a788-718e870c13c4.jpg","slug":"true-huh-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-07","image_width":523,"image_height":542,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • True huh? 😃","meta_description":"True huh? 😃 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 115, "slug": "parenting", "text": "Parenting", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:39:02.529289+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8692,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:50:45.767916+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"True huh? 😃","image":"0740427b-93d4-49ac-8e1a-91a1c5eefaa7.jpg","slug":"true-huh-%f0%9f%98%83-w3mv9","date":"2024-09-07","image_width":526,"image_height":526,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • True huh? 😃","meta_description":"True huh? 😃 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8689,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:44:19.748331+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Perfect! 👍","image":"687a5a14-cad2-451e-8752-0d94f2b1ec7b.JPG","slug":"perfect-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-09-06","image_width":525,"image_height":590,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Perfect! 👍","meta_description":"Perfect! 👍 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 33, "slug": "history", "text": "History", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:42.141047+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8690,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:46:36.980937+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"New branding for Ham & Emmental! 😃","image":"efedebf7-84b3-428e-a6e3-cd6e93220eb1.jpg","slug":"new-branding-for-ham-emmental-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-09-06","image_width":552,"image_height":517,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • New branding for Ham & Emmental! 😃","meta_description":"New branding for Ham & Emmental! 😃 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8688,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:43:38.798453+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"You had ONE job! 😀","image":"0687f93d-54c4-4645-9011-5d20c69be1c2.JPG","slug":"you-had-one-job-%f0%9f%98%80-wkgji","date":"2024-09-05","image_width":537,"image_height":711,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • You had ONE job! 😀","meta_description":"You had ONE job! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8687,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:42:59.981645+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Very clever! 😀","image":"d4ebbf63-f470-4c75-9ae8-218a6370e2b2.JPG","slug":"very-clever-%f0%9f%98%80-2scn8","date":"2024-09-04","image_width":621,"image_height":756,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Very clever! 😀","meta_description":"Very clever! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 47, "slug": "clever", "text": "Clever", "created_at": "2024-03-06T14:50:57.770526+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 106, "slug": "movies", "text": "Movies", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:37:15.392633+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8686,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:42:03.308072+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Glad there's a sign! 😀","image":"2bd2e67e-44b5-4b90-a389-55ffbd93cd32.JPG","slug":"glad-theres-a-sign-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-03","image_width":863,"image_height":649,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Glad there's a sign! 😀","meta_description":"Glad there's a sign! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8685,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-08T15:40:16.48726+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-08T15:41:35.46+00:00","text":"Wonder what they're planning! 😁","image":"b733d77a-7bca-46a4-a949-c7fcd4e15079.JPG","slug":"wonder-what-theyre-planning-%f0%9f%98%81","date":"2024-09-02","image_width":547,"image_height":703,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Wonder what they're planning! 😁","meta_description":"Wonder what they're planning! 😁 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 47, "slug": "clever", "text": "Clever", "created_at": "2024-03-06T14:50:57.770526+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8684,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-09-01T10:45:36.255432+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"That's good then! 😀","image":"c1dd6ae0-c2df-4e7f-9878-9706b91b1edc.JPG","slug":"thats-good-then-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-09-01","image_width":937,"image_height":751,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • That's good then! 😀","meta_description":"That's good then! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Illegally parked cars will be fine!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 48, "slug": "cars", "text": "Cars", "created_at": "2024-03-11T16:51:04.198288+00:00", "updated_at": "2024-07-25T14:06:19.35+00:00"}}, {"tag": {"id": 67, "slug": "typos", "text": "Typos", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:34.921657+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 135, "slug": "vehicles", "text": "Vehicles", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:33.902213+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8668,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T18:49:52.146399+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"You had ONE job! 😀","image":"16b6d6a8-2a14-499f-a7b9-e1ae8deaaa01.jpg","slug":"you-had-one-job-%f0%9f%98%80-8j1ib","date":"2024-08-31","image_width":655,"image_height":654,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • You had ONE job! 😀","meta_description":"You had ONE job! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8669,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T12:31:48.905027+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"I must be doing picnics wrong! 😀","image":"885525f3-b1db-4c1f-9e44-919d0ef9815f.JPG","slug":"i-must-be-doing-picnics-wrong-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-31","image_width":633,"image_height":439,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • I must be doing picnics wrong! 😀","meta_description":"I must be doing picnics wrong! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. ","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 28, "slug": "rude", "text": "Rude", "created_at": "2024-01-26T10:03:23.172034+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8670,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T13:04:00.267912+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"You had ONE job! 😀","image":"81389919-1c6b-4170-beaa-985e03e5eed9.JPG","slug":"you-had-one-job-%f0%9f%98%80-96cbo","date":"2024-08-31","image_width":397,"image_height":682,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • You had ONE job! 😀","meta_description":"You had ONE job! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8661,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T11:17:30.147106+00:00","updated_at":"2024-08-30T11:18:15.931+00:00","text":"Happy Friday! 😀","image":"690db8bb-ec75-4d84-9d59-b2a04ab82333.JPG","slug":"happy-friday-%f0%9f%98%80-rk75g","date":"2024-08-30","image_width":628,"image_height":579,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Happy Friday! 😀","meta_description":"Happy Friday! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web.When Alexa wakes you up at 3am with \"Sorry I didn't understand that\"","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8664,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T14:34:42.142159+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Not long to wait now .....! 😀","image":"8d03563b-90eb-4602-b2cb-fc3bfa412cc2.jpg","slug":"not-long-to-wait-now-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-30","image_width":562,"image_height":558,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Not long to wait now .....! 😀","meta_description":"Not long to wait now .....! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 62, "slug": "kids", "text": "Kids", "created_at": "2024-03-26T14:44:02.268726+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8665,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T17:39:41.245813+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"One for the Maths geeks! 😀 ","image":"79ca2e1a-c4a9-40c0-a7e4-bdc978fa49e7.jpg","slug":"one-for-the-maths-geeks-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-30","image_width":529,"image_height":590,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • One for the Maths geeks! 😀 ","meta_description":"One for the Maths geeks! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 102, "slug": "maths", "text": "Maths", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:36.79173+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8667,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T18:46:23.491867+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Bit ironic! 😀","image":"249cf77e-4c6e-42e1-94f9-932b624c76d1.JPG","slug":"bit-ironic-%f0%9f%98%80-16k2f","date":"2024-08-30","image_width":581,"image_height":348,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Bit ironic! 😀","meta_description":"Bit ironic! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 27, "slug": "ironic", "text": "Ironic", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:48:27.12892+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 364, "slug": "jokes", "text": "Jokes", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8650,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-23T15:13:58.604499+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan! 😀","image":"b326682d-f17a-4529-b0b0-54f0ae552ca8.JPG","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%98%80-x03nb","date":"2024-08-26","image_width":822,"image_height":716,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8656,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-26T16:54:05.087529+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan! 😀","image":"5079b546-b8ea-4a54-8a70-c652375f6e71.JPG","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%98%80-y5t94","date":"2024-08-26","image_width":1076,"image_height":528,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8649,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-22T17:47:34.650035+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Cheeky! 😀 ","image":"47206614-4dac-4cd2-8c46-a16f6be72a49.jpg","slug":"cheeky-%f0%9f%98%80-yuwbl","date":"2024-08-25","image_width":571,"image_height":717,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 28, "slug": "rude", "text": "Rude", "created_at": "2024-01-26T10:03:23.172034+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 416, "slug": "cheeky", "text": "Cheeky", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8653,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-25T17:10:25.511767+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"That's just wrong! 😀 ","image":"529f9f87-8355-45b7-996a-dc763e64aaa0.jpg","slug":"thats-just-wrong-%f0%9f%98%80-2prqr","date":"2024-08-25","image_width":524,"image_height":545,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 33, "slug": "history", "text": "History", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:42.141047+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 115, "slug": "parenting", "text": "Parenting", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:39:02.529289+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8654,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-25T17:13:33.482234+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Exactly! 😀 ","image":"ef32f24d-763f-40e6-a495-0b6e61035399.JPG","slug":"exactly-%f0%9f%98%80-b14yg","date":"2024-08-25","image_width":626,"image_height":563,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8655,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-25T17:24:55.770219+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"True? 😆 ","image":"025e4506-2ee6-46d9-87e9-cd2e17a5c24e.jpg","slug":"true-%f0%9f%98%86","date":"2024-08-25","image_width":659,"image_height":588,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 131, "slug": "toilet", "text": "Toilet", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:12.49237+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8648,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-22T17:45:04.675471+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Well it made me smile! 😀 ","image":"6ffe485b-7dff-4e19-9c69-8a5eb9ababf8.jpg","slug":"well-it-made-me-smile-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-24","image_width":536,"image_height":623,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8644,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-22T17:33:06.258499+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Today's top tip! 😀","image":"c8fa426a-fffe-40c8-8c56-a1f004b946ac.jpg","slug":"todays-top-tip-%f0%9f%98%80-x4nbg","date":"2024-08-23","image_width":559,"image_height":692,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8645,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-22T17:35:54.379151+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"That's some pretty agile wheelchair users! 😀","image":"5347586d-454a-4e02-85f7-192d85057b73.jpg","slug":"thats-some-pretty-agile-wheelchair-users-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-23","image_width":837,"image_height":534,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 88, "slug": "disabled", "text": "Disabled", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:33:39.657471+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8647,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-22T17:42:48.942235+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Bit ironic! 😕 ","image":"006a21d7-a65b-495a-b9fd-8c11eae5d515.jpg","slug":"bit-ironic-%f0%9f%98%95","date":"2024-08-23","image_width":714,"image_height":670,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 27, "slug": "ironic", "text": "Ironic", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:48:27.12892+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8646,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-22T17:38:36.225807+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Don't get scammed folks! 😕","image":"886cec6f-edcd-4a92-8607-1bdfa79e35fb.jpg","slug":"dont-get-scammed-folks-%f0%9f%98%95","date":"2024-08-22","image_width":608,"image_height":683,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8642,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-21T16:24:49.768369+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Seems accurate! 😀","image":"56840f3d-304a-4b29-9ac9-d00ff48d9a21.jpg","slug":"seems-accurate-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-21","image_width":542,"image_height":486,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8643,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-21T16:31:53.085203+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Happy Wednesday! 😀","image":"0b1b4b90-0a3a-4f61-ae56-2a11c9a2185c.JPG","slug":"happy-wednesday-%f0%9f%98%80-tv364","date":"2024-08-21","image_width":600,"image_height":635,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8638,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-20T11:54:50.95823+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Today's words of wisdom! 😀","image":"2a9e06a3-a4e2-4420-b2f4-1bee5ae21bc9.jpg","slug":"todays-words-of-wisdom-%f0%9f%98%80-rgpif","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":526,"image_height":526,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8663,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T14:00:47.109852+00:00","updated_at":"2024-08-30T18:30:03.3+00:00","text":"Short Jokes! 😀","image":"9b0fd853-1688-478a-89de-3727415b7d20.jpg","slug":"short-jokes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":379,"image_height":213,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Short Jokes! 😀","meta_description":"Short Jokes! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Best one liners. One line jokes","body":"

The news that I was colour blind came completely out of the teal! 😀

\r\n

My professor accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine! 😀

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Although I was born visible, I now identify as invisible. I am trans-parent! My pronouns are who/where! 😀

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I tried to marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money! 😀

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We must all do our bit for the planet!
I just unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using! 😀

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Just because something is on Facebook, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true … William Shakespeare 😀

\r\n

This morning I used Red Bull to make my coffee instead of Water!
After 15 minutes on the motorway I realized I’d left my car at home! 😀

\r\n

I know loads of cash machine jokes. I just can’t think of one ATM! 😀

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Me: How much do you know about atoms?
Friend: Very little!
Me: Apart from that? 😀

\r\n

I can’t believe bed time used to be a punishment! 😀

\r\n

Friend: Thanks for introducing me to Minimalism.
Me: It’s the least I could do! 😀

\r\n

What do we want?
Hearing Aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing Aids! 😀

\r\n

I just dropped a colander on the floor.
Went to pick it up and strained myself! 😀

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I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a lipstick.
She’s STILL not talking to me! 😀

\r\n

I’ve just been prescribed gloating cream!
I can’t wait to rub it in … 😀

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9 out of 10 times that I lose something …
It’s because I put it in a safe place! 😀

\r\n

When one door closes, another door opens!
Other than that it’s a pretty good car! 😀

\r\n

Just cost me a whole QUID to put air in my tires!
Guess that’s inflation for you! 😀

\r\n

If the number 666 is considered evil.
Then 25.8069758 is technically the root of all evil! 😀

\r\n

Scientists have discovered that the first two humans on earth were actually Cockneys!
Blimey! Would you Adam and Eve it? 😀

\r\n

Jokes about sugar are rare!
Jokes about brown sugar … demerara! 😀

\r\n

My computer’s got Miley Virus!
It’s stopped twerking! 😀

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Scared the postman this morning by going to the door completely naked!
Not sure what surprised him more … that I was naked or that I knew where he lived! 😀

\r\n

The doctor said he wanted to talk to me about my weight!
I said “well it was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy!” 😀

\r\n

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be!
There’s no need to remind her every half an hour! 😀

\r\n

Left brain: Write that down before you forget.
Right brain: Write what down? 😀

\r\n

If you have identified a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed of course, in which case it is just an O. 😀

\r\n

If olive oil is made of olives …
What is baby oil made of? 😀

\r\n

When I was a kid my parents bathed me in cheap Australian lager.
It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been Fostered! 😀

\r\n

I dropped a gold bar on my foot.
Au! 😀

\r\n

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden!
The plot thickens! 😀

\r\n

Can you imagine the self control needed to work at a bubble wrap factory? 😀

\r\n

You ever noticed it sounds so friendly when you say “Have a nice day” to someone.
But if you say “enjoy your next 24 hours” it sounds a bit scary! 😀

\r\n

I saw a Microbiologist today!
He was much bigger than I expected! 😀

\r\n

I dipped my testicles in glitter!
Pretty nuts eh? 😀

\r\n

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there … 😀

\r\n

Would you go to someone else’s funeral, who didn’t go to yours? 😀

\r\n

Tsunami: T is silent
Honest: H is silent
Island: S is silent
Queue: ueue is silent! 😀

\r\n

I read a survey that said 82% of people like being cuddled…
Judging by the reaction on the train this morning I would say it’s less than 1%! 😀

\r\n

How many pedantic grammar police does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too! 😀

\r\n

Why did the chicken hold a séance?
To get to the other side. 😀

\r\n

My mate told me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I said “Did ya redo it?” 😀

\r\n

Viagra. It won’t make you James Bond, but it might make you Roger Moore!

\r\n

Me: Is it weird to talk to yourself?
Me: No! 😀

\r\n

Just back from the fishmongers and the guy in front of me bought ALL the crabs, mussels and lobsters. Shellfish bastard! 😀

\r\n

I sleep much better naked.
Why can’t flight attendants understand that? 😀

\r\n

Never in the history of calming down, has anyone ever calmed down, by being told to Calm Down! 😀

\r\n

If you were a child when “Red, Red Wine” was released ….
UB40ish now! 😀

\r\n

What’s the first band you’ll see when Lockdown is over?
Mine’ll be a bloody Gastric one! 😀

\r\n

Did you know a fear of giants is called Feefiphobia? 😀

\r\n

Turns out, when people ask you who your favourite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own! Oops! 😀

\r\n

Do gun owner’s manuals have a Troubleshooting section? 😀

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You can tell an Alligator from a Crocodile based on whether it sees you again later or in a while! 😀

\r\n

Is Atheism a non prophet organisation? 😀

\r\n

Did you know Muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven? 😀

\r\n

Fun fact: People from Dubai don’t like The Flintstones. But those from Abu Dhabi do! 😀

\r\n

I wonder if the person who invented the phrase “Jumping on the bandwagon” got really annoyed when everyone started using it? 😀

\r\n

Sure, skydiving is scary but … have you ever been to someone’s house and the toilet won’t flush? 😀

\r\n

Apparently it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you! 😀

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis? 😀

\r\n

Never compliment a woman on her moustache.
No matter how epic it is! 😀

\r\n

My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed ….. 😀

\r\n

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here 276 years and not noticed anything strange! 😀

\r\n

One of my biggest faults is … when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is! 😀

\r\n

Can’t believe I got fired on my very first day as a signwirter! 😀

\r\n

“I like your personality”
Me: “Thanks, I have like 3 more!” 😀

\r\n

Women love it when you kiss their neck .. just not when they’re driving … and you’re in the back seat … and they don’t know you! 😀

\r\n

I finally did it! I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen! 😀

\r\n

I was going to post a time travel joke … but you lot didn’t like it! 😀

\r\n

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and barks a lot. Let me know if interested and I’ll jump over my neighbour’s fence and get it for you! 😀

\r\n

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy! 😀

\r\n

Not all Maths jokes are bad! Just sum! 😀

\r\n

Accordion to scientists, it is possible to slip a musical instrument into a sentence without people noticing! 😀

\r\n

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says “does this taste funny to you”? 😀

\r\n

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms! 😀

\r\n

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’d had a sudden loss of taste!
I told her “No I’ve always dressed like this!” 😀

\r\n

My kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: Like what?
My kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open up and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.
My kids: What older brother?
Me: Exactly! 😀

\r\n

What I if told you …
You read the first line wrong? 😀

\r\n

I’m opening a school for cattle farmers. You herd it here first! 😀

\r\n

My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling. I might have guest! 😀

\r\n

Enter new password:
> chicken
Password must contain a capital:
> chickenkiev 😀

\r\n

Just had my Christmas Dinner.
Those slow cookers are crap! 😀

\r\n

Me: God I’m hungry!
Horse: (Nervously) Ur how hungry exactly? 😀

\r\n

The other half asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything! 😀

\r\n

Me: My credit card won’t work
Cashier: Strip facing this way
Me: (Unbuttoning shirt) Can’t I just pay in cash? 😀

\r\n

A weasel walks into a bar.
The Bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel! 😀

\r\n

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for lockdown.
It’s a little fit bunny! 😀

\r\n

So if you believe in reincarnation, instead of RIP on your gravestone, do you put BRB? 😀

\r\n

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Round?
Round …
Get a round?
I’ll get a round … 😀

\r\n

I lost my pizza cutter so I used a Bryan Adams CD.
It cuts like a knife! 😀

\r\n

A genie granted me a single wish.
I said I just wanted to be happy.
Now I live in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and work down a bloody mine! 😀

\r\n

If we run out of Doctors and Nurses the Government will use vets.
Have you seen how vets take your temperature?
Stay home! Stay safe! 😀

\r\n

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me in Tesco last night.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil! 😀

\r\n

I can tell someone’s judgemental just by looking at them! 😀

\r\n

I stumbled into bed last night and she said “You’re drunk”!
I asked her how she knew.
She said “You live next door”! 😀

\r\n

Thanks so much to the person who taught me the meaning of ‘Plethora’.
It means a lot! 😀

\r\n

Sitting here in ER in a lot of pain. Don’t want to go into details but the “Dyson ball cleaner” is a very misleading product name! 😀

\r\n

Wanna know the secret to getting your partner to go “Mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmm….” all night long?
Duct tape! 😀

\r\n

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriend’s bra off, I’ve given up!
I wish I’d never put it on now! 😀

\r\n

Did the person who invented the phrase “one hit wonder” ever invent any other catch phrases? 😀

\r\n

My dyslexia has reached a new owl! 😀

\r\n

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
He said “Are you sure?”
I said “Yes I’m definite” 😀

\r\n

This bloke asked me if I’d any idea where he could get a new wig from.
I said “not off the top of my head!” 😀

\r\n

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.
We’ll probably tell them over dinner this evening! 😀

\r\n

I stopped at some traffic lights today, right next to an RAC van.
The driver was crying and talking to himself.
I thought “He’s heading for a breakdown!” 😀

\r\n

I paid a carpenter up front to make me a double bed and the bastard’s done a bunk. 😀

\r\n

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits next to you … just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?” 😀

\r\n

Put your hand up if you hate getting tricked into taking a survey! 😀

\r\n

I’m proud to say I’ve just released my own fragrance! Sadly nobody else in the car liked it much! 😀

\r\n

I woke up this morning and discovered I’d turned into a cat! Don’t ask meow! 😀

\r\n

To the thief who stole my glasses … I will find you … I have contacts! 😀

\r\n

9 months before I was born I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mum! 😀

\r\n

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger! Just saying! 😀

\r\n

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? 😀

\r\n

Someone suggested I try horse manure on my rhubarb.
I have to admit .. I still prefer custard! 😀

\r\n

Is a double negative a definite no-no? 😀

\r\n

Tried cross breeding a bull terrier with a shitzu. Guess what? 😀

\r\n

Just imagine how exciting it must have been for Barn Owls when humans invented barns! 😀

\r\n

Why do you never see the headline “Psychic wins lottery”? 😀

\r\n

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence! 😀

\r\n

How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong! 😀

\r\n

I hate spelling errors. You just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined! 😀

\r\n

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her the superglue instead!
She’s still not talking to me! 😀

\r\n

How do you write “do not touch” in braille? 😀

\r\n

So in retrospect, in 2015 not a SINGLE person got the answer right to “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” 😀

\r\n

I just told my suitcases that we won’t be going away this year. Now I’m dealing with all the emotional baggage! 😀

\r\n

One big difference between men and women is if a woman says “smell this” to you, it usually smells nice! 😀

\r\n

Accidentally went to the supermarket on an empty stomach. I’m now the proud owner of aisle 3! 😀

\r\n

Dyslexics of the world untie! 😀

\r\n

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear a mask & glasses together? If so, you may be entitled to condensation! 😀

\r\n

Insomnia is awful, but on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas! 😀

\r\n

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday! 😀

\r\n

I rang my wife from the shop cos I’d forgot what orange juice she wanted.
‘Concentrate’ she said, but I still couldn’t remember! 😀

\r\n

Greggs have announced a new delivery service using drones.
All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me! 😀

\r\n

My Indian friend died of a heart attack last night.
Must have had a dodgy Tikka. 😀

\r\n

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite Christian festival is.
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.” 😀

\r\n

Me: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
Doc: “I don’t follow you … ” 😀

\r\n

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym again yesterday.
That’s 20 years in a row! 😀

\r\n

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 😀

\r\n

I’m worried about one of my testicles.
It’s quite a bit bigger than the other two. 😀

\r\n

My little Spanish nephew can’t even say “please”
That’s poor for four… 😀

\r\n

A thesaurus is “Great”. There’s no other word for it! 😀

\r\n

I don’t always have time to fold laundry. But when I do … I don’t!! 😀

\r\n

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 😀

\r\n

I went to visit a Psychic
I knocked on the front door and she yelled “Who is it?”
So I left! 😀

\r\n

My Dad suggested I register for a Donor Card.
A man after my own heart! 😀

\r\n

Is the worst time to have a heart attack … when you’re playing charades? 😀

\r\n

The guy who invented Autocorrect has died. May he roast in piss! 😀

\r\n

Someone told me that I don’t know how to shave properly! Bloody cheek! 😀

\r\n

“Propaganda” is what Cockneys do when they really look at something! 😀

\r\n

I told my Mum I’d made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn’t believe me!
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. 😀

\r\n

My four year old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the word for ‘please’.
Which I think is poor for four! 😀

\r\n

I went on a positive thinking course today …
It was crap. 😀

\r\n

“I’ve just injected steroids into my arm”
“Anabolic?”
“No, just my arm” 😀

\r\n

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? 😀

\r\n

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar. 😀

\r\n

“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…” 😀

\r\n

Me: I’m terrified of the vertical axis
Therapist: Why?
Me: [ SCREAMS ] 😀

\r\n

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today.
He had a Wigan address 😀

\r\n

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin ? 😀

\r\n

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven! 😀

\r\n

I was offered 8 legs of venison for £200 today.
Is that just too dear? 😀

\r\n

I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything, it’s more sluggish now! 😀

\r\n

I remember my father fondly.
Funny name for a man! 😀

\r\n

What’s a Tarka Dall? It’s like any other Dall, just a little otter! 😀

\r\n

Someone stole my anti-depressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy! 😀

\r\n

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Agad”
“Agad who?”
“Push pineapple shake the tree” 😀

\r\n

Interviewer: What’s your special power?
Me: Hindsight!
Interviewer: Well that’s not going to help!
Me: Yes I can see that now! 😀

\r\n

And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it? 😀

\r\n

For some reason it only takes me 5 minutes to walk to my local pub, but over 20 minutes to walk back! The difference is staggering! 😀

\r\n

A coffin? That’s the last thing I need! 😀

\r\n

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!” 😀

\r\n

I have a nerdy maths joke but I’m 2² to share it 😀

\r\n

In the Canary Islands there are no canaries. Same story in the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either! 😀

\r\n

I met my wife through the new Tesco dating service. I got a bag for life! 😀

\r\n

Bad news for dyslexics in October … all their cocks go black! 😀

\r\n

Understand paranoid people better by following one around! 😀

\r\n

During the war, my Grandad survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray attacks. He’s considered a seasoned veteran! 😀

\r\n

If you boil down your funny bone, does it become a laughing stock? 😀

\r\n

I used to be a Human Cannonball. Until I was fired! 😀

\r\n

Dogs can’t read X-rays! But cats can! 😀

\r\n

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! 😀

\r\n

I thought my orthopaedic shoes wouldn’t work. I stand corrected! 😀

\r\n

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean! 😀

\r\n

My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me… 😀

\r\n

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right! 😀

\r\n

I don’t like lollypop ladies. Not sure why … They just make me cross! 😀

\r\n

What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador! 😀

\r\n

I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know! 😀

\r\n

There are two types of people in the world: 1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data. 😀

\r\n

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 😀

\r\n

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. 😀

\r\n

I just dropped my phone in mayonnaise. Bloody hellman! 😀

\r\n

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 😀

\r\n

My wife wants me to have sex with her on the bonnet of her Honda Civic, But if I’m going to have sex like that, it’ll be on my own Accord! 😀

\r\n

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap! 😀

\r\n

How many thriller writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one gets it almost all the way in, then the other comes along and applies a surprising twist at the end. 😀

\r\n

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one to screw in the lighbulb and one to hold the boobs. I mean ladder! 😀

\r\n

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar. My life is a joke. 😀

\r\n

I hate being bi-polar. It’s AMAZING! 😀

\r\n

I used to be in a Band called ‘The Dead Badgers’.
We did Middle of the Road type stuff, mainly. 😀

\r\n

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 😀

\r\n

People keep asking me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies. But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction. 😀

\r\n

I hate autocorrect, it always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo! 😀

\r\n

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff. 😀

\r\n

When chemists die, do they barium? 😀

\r\n

When I die I want my last words to be “I left a million quid under the …..”! 😀

\r\n

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist orders an H2O. The second scientist orders an H2O too. The second scientist dies 😀

\r\n

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 😀

\r\n

The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.
His funfair will be next monkey 😀

\r\n

The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday.
May he rust in piss! 😀

\r\n

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 😀

\r\n

Recent research reveals that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy 😀

\r\n

I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 😀

\r\n

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 😀

\r\n

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 😀

\r\n

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. 😀

\r\n

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 😀

\r\n

Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers today? 😀

\r\n

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .. 😀

\r\n

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 😀

\r\n

My wife says I only have two faults! I don’t listen, and ur something else! 😀

\r\n

A Brummie walks into a tailors, “Alroit mate, I’d like a 70’s suit please.” The tailor says, “Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?” The Brummie says, “Thanks mate, white with two sugars please” 😀

\r\n

A pizza is basically a real time pie chart of how much pizza is left! 😀

\r\n

What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel! 😀

\r\n

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow! 😀

\r\n

A man got run over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. Police said there was no easy way to tell his family! 😀

\r\n

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their warships? So that when they return from battle they can … Scandanavian! 😀

\r\n

Theresa May’s cabinet ‘not in crisis’ confirms Justice Secretary Barry from Eastenders. 😀

\r\n

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane. 😀

\r\n

To person at a fancy dress party: What have you come as?
A harp
Hmm, you’re a bit small for a harp
Are you calling me a lyre? 😀

\r\n

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.
I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair! 😀

\r\n

I went to the zoo at the weekend
It only had one animal
It was a dog
It was a shih tzu! 😀

\r\n

Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe …. (try also …. What’s up, Done Up, Need up, Smell up, Eat up) 😀

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? 😀

\r\n

This dyslexic bloke walks into a bra … 😀

\r\n

Heard about the dyslexic athiest who didn’t believe there was a dog? 😀

\r\n

Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 😀

\r\n

Least visited website ever – www.dyslexia.com 😀

\r\n

DNA = National Association of Dyslexics 😀

\r\n

Shouldn’t hemorrhoids really be called asteroids? 😀

\r\n

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse! 😀

\r\n

Schizophrenia – beats being alone! 😀

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 364, "slug": "jokes", "text": "Jokes", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8666,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-30T18:24:57.390444+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:14:32.7+00:00","text":"Emotional Health Hotline 😀","image":"17836073-025b-44fe-b558-9d5fff956bcd.jpg","slug":"emotional-health-hotline-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":730,"image_height":371,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Emotional Health Hotline 😀","meta_description":"Emotional Health Hotline 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

\r\n

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

\r\n

If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

\r\n

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

\r\n

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship in orbit around the Earth.

\r\n

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the voice’s will tell you which number to press.

\r\n

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

\r\n

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

\r\n

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

\r\n

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

\r\n

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

\r\n

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

\r\n

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

\r\n

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.”

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 103, "slug": "medical", "text": "Medical", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:42.460149+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8672,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T16:29:18.629811+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:15:14.897+00:00","text":"Wife 2.0 - Product Warning! 😀","image":"5ca42358-7d0e-433d-aeac-6fcdae36905d.jpg","slug":"wife-2-0---product-warning-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":716,"image_height":494,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Wife 2.0 - Product Warning! 😀","meta_description":"Wife 2.0 - Product Warning! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. If they make us laugh, they're here!","body":"

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

\r\n

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as:

\r\n

\r\n
PokerNight 10.3
\r\n
\r\n
BeerBash 2.5
\r\n
\r\n
PubNight 7.0
\r\n
\r\n
StripJoint 4.0
\r\n

\r\n

are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

\r\n

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

\r\n

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.:

\r\n

\r\n
A “Don’t remind me again” button
\r\n
\r\n
Minimize button
\r\n
\r\n
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
\r\n
\r\n
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
\r\n

\r\n

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

\r\n

To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

\r\n

Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

\r\n

Bug Warning

\r\n

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

\r\n

Bug Workarounds

\r\n

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

\r\n

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 104, "slug": "men", "text": "Men", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:53.784876+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8673,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T16:32:11.745532+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:13:49.496+00:00","text":"Viagra-like Drugs! 😀","image":"05bba0df-addf-42f5-a7b5-4c85f3c93925.jpg","slug":"viagra-like-drugs-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":960,"image_height":412,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Viagra-like Drugs! 😀","meta_description":"Viagra-like Drugs! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. ","body":"

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….

\r\n

\r\n
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents.”
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store’s return limit.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
\r\n

\r\n

\r\n
FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 103, "slug": "medical", "text": "Medical", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:42.460149+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8674,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T16:37:25.229563+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Life after University! 😀","image":"2b6be1ea-5a84-4f42-a737-2e93adeb6f59.jpg","slug":"life-after-university-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":640,"image_height":358,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Life after University! 😀","meta_description":"Life after University! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. ","body":"

Things that change when you leave ….

\r\n

6am is when you get up, not when you go to bed
Having sex in a single bed is absurd
You keep more food than beer in the fridge
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
You don’t volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
The bank manager doesn’t write threatening letters any more.
You carry an umbrella.
Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
You don’t go to Tesco with all your friends.
You have standing orders and direct debits.
The heating works in your house.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
You get out of bed in the morning even if it’s raining.
Washing up is not an annual ritual.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don’t know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog ‘Pal’ instead of McDonalds.
You don’t get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
You don’t put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
You don’t spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.
You “hate scrounging students”.
You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
You can’t persuade your flatmates to ‘Drink till dawn’.
You don’t spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
You always know where you are when you wake up.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A £3 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone.
You don’t have mice living in your kitchen.
Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
You don’t go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
You have vacuumed.
Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
‘I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ‘I’m never going to drink that much again’.
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don’t experiment with banned substances.
You don’t get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
Lunchtime is not ‘the morning’.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 33, "slug": "history", "text": "History", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:42.141047+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 90, "slug": "education", "text": "Education", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:34:08.736806+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8675,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T16:40:04.344772+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:12:57.6+00:00","text":"Truant Notes! 😀","image":"ecc16bdd-4e18-481c-9d5f-2248e0109cfe.gif","slug":"truant-notes-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":375,"image_height":202,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Truant Notes! 😀","meta_description":"Truant Notes! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. ","body":"

The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents:

\r\n

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits

\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 90, "slug": "education", "text": "Education", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:34:08.736806+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 115, "slug": "parenting", "text": "Parenting", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:39:02.529289+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8676,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T17:11:10.630319+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:15:52.384+00:00","text":"Words of Wisdom! 😀","image":"5435fa87-e4a2-427c-95eb-0e397b32dcca.jpeg","slug":"words-of-wisdom-%f0%9f%98%80-n74ai","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":300,"image_height":169,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Words of Wisdom! 😀","meta_description":"Words of Wisdom! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. ","body":"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

\r\n

In a Tokyo Hotel:

\r\n

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

\r\n

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

\r\n

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

\r\n

In a Leipzig elevator:

\r\n

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

\r\n

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

\r\n

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

\r\n

In a Paris hotel elevator:

\r\n

Please leave your values at the front desk.

\r\n

In a hotel in Athens:

\r\n

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

\r\n

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

\r\n

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

\r\n

In a Japanese hotel:

\r\n

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

\r\n

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

\r\n

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

\r\n

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

\r\n

Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

\r\n

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

\r\n

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

\r\n

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

\r\n

Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

\r\n

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

\r\n

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

\r\n

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

\r\n

Drop your trousers here for best results.

\r\n

Outside a Paris dress shop:

\r\n

Dresses for street walking.

\r\n

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

\r\n

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

\r\n

From the Soviet Weekly:

\r\n

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

\r\n

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:

\r\n

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

\r\n

In a Zurich hotel:

\r\n

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

\r\n

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

\r\n

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

\r\n

In a Rome laundry:

\r\n

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

\r\n

In a Czech tourist agency:

\r\n

Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.

\r\n

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

\r\n

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

\r\n

In a Swiss mountain inn:

\r\n

Special today — no ice cream.

\r\n

In a Bangkok temple:

\r\n

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

\r\n

In a Tokyo bar:

\r\n

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

\r\n

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

\r\n

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

\r\n

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

\r\n

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

\r\n

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

\r\n

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

\r\n

In a Budapest zoo:

\r\n

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

\r\n

In the office of a Roman doctor:

\r\n

Specialist in women and other diseases.

\r\n

In an Acapulco hotel:

\r\n

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

\r\n

In a Tokyo shop:

\r\n

Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

\r\n

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

\r\n

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

\r\n

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

\r\n

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

\r\n

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

\r\n

English well speaking
Here speeching American.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8678,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T17:42:43.535173+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:17:24.807+00:00","text":"Ponderous Thoughts! 😀","image":"600a1d6a-24e3-4814-a87d-475aaadb26ba.jpg","slug":"ponderous-thoughts-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":768,"image_height":576,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Ponderous Thoughts! 😀","meta_description":"Ponderous Thoughts! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. ","body":"

\r\n
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
\r\n
\r\n
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
\r\n
\r\n
How is it possible to have a civil war?
\r\n
\r\n
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
\r\n
\r\n
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
\r\n
\r\n
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
\r\n
\r\n
If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?
\r\n
\r\n
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
\r\n
\r\n
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
\r\n
\r\n
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
\r\n
\r\n
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
\r\n
\r\n
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
\r\n
\r\n
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
\r\n
\r\n
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
\r\n
\r\n
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
\r\n
\r\n
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
\r\n
\r\n
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
\r\n
\r\n
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
\r\n
\r\n
And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
\r\n

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8679,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T17:44:31.614221+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:19:17.413+00:00","text":"How to have fun on the tube! 😀","image":"213c2ab3-937b-4241-8dce-a12f9a9b27bf.jpg","slug":"how-to-have-fun-on-the-tube-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":768,"image_height":512,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • How to have fun on the tube! 😀","meta_description":"How to have fun on the tube! 😀 • Friday Fun. Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. @fridayfunnn","body":"

Make race car noises when any one gets on or off
Tape coins to your face with sticky tape
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “shut up, dammit, all of you SHUT UP”
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a small world” incessantly.
Sell girl scout cookies (Okay it’s an American thing but you get the idea)
On a long ride, sway from side to side with the natural rhythm of the train.
Shave
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the train, wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your stop, grunt and strain to get the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper “The Eagles are flying high, over the Cuckoo Nest tonight”
Greet everyone on the carriage with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One Word: FLATULENCE
On a crowded carriage, stand in the middle holding an invisible pole or hand rail for support.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at a person for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got no socks on!”
When the train is particularly crowded, moan from the back “ Oh, not now, damm motion sickness”
Give religious advice to each passenger
Meow occasionally
Bet the other passengers you can fit a fifty pence piece up you nose
Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “OOPS!”
Show other passengers a wound and ask if they think it’s infected.
Sing “Mary had a little lamb” whilst slowly rocking back and forth.
Shout “ Who pinched the station?” whenever the train stops in a tunnel.
Walk on with one of the ‘keep it cool’ boxes that says ‘human head’ on the side.
Stare at another passenger for awhile, the announce “You’re one of THEM”
Burp, and then say “mmmm ……. tasty”
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each person, as soon as they get on if you could smell their feet.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it
Start a sing-a-long
When the carriage is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
Play the harmonica
Shadow box
Say “ De next stop is Piccadilly Circus, mind de doors, please!” in a variety of strange accents, at each stop.
Swing from the hand rail saying to yourself “Must Find Jungle Friends” then start to pick fleas from the nearest person.
Say “ I wonder what this does?” and prod the emergency leaver.
Listen to the carriage walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers that this is your “personal space”
Bring a chair along
Take a bite of a sandwich as ask another passenger “ Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull gum out of your mouth in long strips.
Announce in a demonic voice “ I must find a more suitable host body.”
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively
Ask the person next to you for a “ROLLO”
Wear ‘X-ray specs’ and leer suggestively at other passengers
Stare at your navel and say “ I think it’s getting bigger”
Try to convince people that you smear Vaseline on the backsides of your friends when they pass out.

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 133, "slug": "transport", "text": "Transport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:24.694548+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8682,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-31T20:30:09.03613+00:00","updated_at":"2024-09-13T21:18:48.357+00:00","text":"Tax Office Letter! 😀","image":"5cc02b00-e0a5-47ca-80e2-4984d691abce.jpg","slug":"tax-office-letter-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-20","image_width":744,"image_height":393,"meta_title":"Friday Fun • Tax Office Letter! 😀","meta_description":"Tax Office Letter! 😀 • Our favourite jokes, funnies, and memes from around the web. Friday Fun","body":"

Taken from The Guardian, an actual letter sent by the British Inland Revenue (IRS to our American Friends).

\r\n

Dear Mr Addison,

\r\n

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter”. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”. This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

\r\n

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat” has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a “sodding charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

\r\n

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned party” yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, “that box-ticking façade of a university system.”

\r\n

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

\r\n

The reason we don’t simply write “Muggins” on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give” has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

\r\n

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India” you would still owe us the money.

\r\n

Please forward it by Friday.

\r\n

Yours Sincerely,

\r\n

H J Lee
Customer Relations

","tags":[{"tag": {"id": 105, "slug": "money", "text": "Money", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:37:10.732007+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 442, "slug": "old-jokes", "text": "Old Jokes", "created_at": "2024-09-13T17:14:37.499999+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8635,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:19:10.080458+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Guilty? 😀","image":"05414b07-d467-4f01-8afb-2b6c57e11ed5.jpg","slug":"guilty-%f0%9f%98%80-5mngl","date":"2024-08-18","image_width":376,"image_height":615,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 33, "slug": "history", "text": "History", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:42.141047+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8636,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:21:37.238778+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Life is so unfair! 😀 ","image":"3d357e3f-eb14-4109-99f7-2b1e87ba7cf1.jpg","slug":"life-is-so-unfair-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-18","image_width":1078,"image_height":1147,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 85, "slug": "cruel", "text": "Cruel", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:33:12.653182+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8637,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-16T12:36:25.910984+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Meanwhile in France ... Hot or Not? 🤭","image":"e3dcb4a8-c906-48c9-a701-96367db92a14.JPG","slug":"meanwhile-in-france-hot-or-not-%f0%9f%a4%ad","date":"2024-08-18","image_width":716,"image_height":681,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 69, "slug": "weather", "text": "Weather", "created_at": "2024-03-28T21:40:06.751666+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8633,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:12:05.320595+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Turn him off and on again? 😐","image":"740e64e3-aed7-45e5-949e-7146ee2ac7ee.jpg","slug":"turn-him-off-and-on-again-%f0%9f%98%90","date":"2024-08-17","image_width":650,"image_height":643,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8629,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T17:58:04.566651+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Is it just me? 😀 ","image":"69680c3c-e69e-41ed-824b-c7cea00b0d84.JPG","slug":"is-it-just-me-%f0%9f%98%80-n51is","date":"2024-08-16","image_width":445,"image_height":394,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8630,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:01:21.49303+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Gotta love IKEA! 😀","image":"b66b7e69-b3ef-4e76-9ea6-5f5e5754c7bd.JPG","slug":"gotta-love-ikea-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-16","image_width":499,"image_height":579,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 47, "slug": "clever", "text": "Clever", "created_at": "2024-03-06T14:50:57.770526+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8631,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:03:50.980788+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Guess where this steak's from? 😀 ","image":"6c8a7173-8537-4201-a149-916b092a63cc.JPG","slug":"guess-where-this-steaks-from-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-16","image_width":663,"image_height":480,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8632,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:06:35.977593+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"One for the Brits! 😀","image":"a37b5d2b-d82f-4167-88de-d11f294c1b07.JPG","slug":"one-for-the-brits-%f0%9f%98%80-ifonm","date":"2024-08-16","image_width":468,"image_height":596,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 58, "slug": "music", "text": "Music", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:17:35.487828+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 85, "slug": "cruel", "text": "Cruel", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:33:12.653182+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8628,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T17:55:02.327343+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Happy Friday! 😃","image":"3e92f62a-93bf-427e-8aa2-536ef6d228a6.JPG","slug":"happy-friday-%f0%9f%98%83-i2v86","date":"2024-08-15","image_width":579,"image_height":481,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8634,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-15T18:16:44.707711+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Not sure that's quite right!🤪","image":"e00b156f-1d88-434e-9e84-af7d58175103.jpg","slug":"not-sure-thats-quite-right-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-08-15","image_width":865,"image_height":679,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8627,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-13T13:37:36.377529+00:00","updated_at":"2024-08-13T13:39:25.694+00:00","text":"I'm never flying with this airline again!🤪\r\n","image":"4c474946-353c-423c-afa3-413e136bc0e4.JPG","slug":"im-never-flying-with-this-airline-again-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-08-13","image_width":711,"image_height":711,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 45, "slug": "fails", "text": "Fails", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:58:52.933515+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 50, "slug": "airplanes", "text": "Airplanes", "created_at": "2024-03-14T20:20:16.167849+00:00", "updated_at": "2024-03-17T21:05:36.488+00:00"}}, {"tag": {"id": 133, "slug": "transport", "text": "Transport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:24.694548+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8626,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-08T10:48:30.287669+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Do you know yours? 😀 ","image":"cfecc51b-91bb-4369-b657-34b9aa7feabb.JPG","slug":"do-you-know-yours-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-10","image_width":500,"image_height":647,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 28, "slug": "rude", "text": "Rude", "created_at": "2024-01-26T10:03:23.172034+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8624,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-08T10:28:44.194592+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Younguns, keep scrolling! 😀 ","image":"1a35e239-dfbc-4702-a84c-006816092c8a.JPG","slug":"younguns-keep-scrolling-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-09","image_width":581,"image_height":715,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 33, "slug": "history", "text": "History", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:42.141047+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8625,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-08T10:33:30.904006+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"More shoeshi! 😀 ","image":"3aac24ae-07f1-4261-bca6-fa4036ac63a7.jpg","slug":"more-shoeshi-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-09","image_width":523,"image_height":518,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 129, "slug": "sport", "text": "Sport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:00.303092+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8623,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-08T10:20:17.05726+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Thought it was a flying rock for a second! 😀","image":"4bb42649-0b7c-4d44-b464-89d13201cc85.JPG","slug":"thought-it-was-a-flying-rock-for-a-second-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-08","image_width":636,"image_height":618,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 52, "slug": "illusions", "text": "Illusions", "created_at": "2024-03-16T12:11:22.037497+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8621,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-07T16:35:27.352404+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Truly amazing! 😀","image":"86e3dfdc-9722-4e93-9607-d2f91f96c6b3.jpg","slug":"truly-amazing-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-07","image_width":755,"image_height":872,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 47, "slug": "clever", "text": "Clever", "created_at": "2024-03-06T14:50:57.770526+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8622,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-07T16:40:38.234612+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Seen the remake? 😃 ","image":"659f2211-cd22-4e58-933c-ad6117989202.JPG","slug":"seen-the-remake-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-08-07","image_width":733,"image_height":718,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 106, "slug": "movies", "text": "Movies", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:37:15.392633+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 431, "slug": "olympics", "text": "Olympics", "created_at": "2024-07-26T14:42:47.984978+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8620,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-06T16:01:10.559691+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Keep a look out for these! 😏","image":"5ad7976a-6cc0-47cb-9fc2-f8c15be7fd5e.jpg","slug":"keep-a-look-out-for-these-%f0%9f%98%8f","date":"2024-08-06","image_width":477,"image_height":576,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 123, "slug": "roads", "text": "Roads", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:41:17.684785+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8617,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:57:21.026285+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Today's top tip! 😃 ","image":"77fa2da4-5f2e-4d83-9b35-1a3d01ab2d92.jpg","slug":"todays-top-tip-%f0%9f%98%83-wzlb8","date":"2024-08-04","image_width":1170,"image_height":903,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 131, "slug": "toilet", "text": "Toilet", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:12.49237+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8618,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-04T17:15:54.516635+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan! 😀","image":"eaebdaae-c420-4d93-8649-4de0c3c10af0.JPG","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%98%80-lh7ni","date":"2024-08-04","image_width":405,"image_height":591,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8619,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-04T17:16:33.456323+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Good choice! 😀","image":"4497086b-3f1f-43fe-9122-fc53ccee63ff.jpg","slug":"good-choice-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-04","image_width":497,"image_height":506,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8616,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:54:49.242094+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"What a job! 😃 ","image":"afaffdb5-3f96-4f6c-8164-c09a15260a90.jpg","slug":"what-a-job-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-08-03","image_width":734,"image_height":693,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 129, "slug": "sport", "text": "Sport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:00.303092+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 431, "slug": "olympics", "text": "Olympics", "created_at": "2024-07-26T14:42:47.984978+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8612,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:40:18.023931+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Yep. That happened! 😀","image":"aa800464-51dc-40df-88bd-00904c42a3f3.jpg","slug":"yep-that-happened-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-02","image_width":500,"image_height":572,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8613,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:43:02.664244+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Might try this! 😀","image":"c79021cc-6590-4c00-a73c-6e4d74fd0f4f.jpg","slug":"might-try-this-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-02","image_width":645,"image_height":588,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8614,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:50:27.105623+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Today's top tip! 😃 ","image":"bd105803-f4e4-4af1-8cf2-5a2f1b54ccd4.jpg","slug":"todays-top-tip-%f0%9f%98%83-nhmuc","date":"2024-08-02","image_width":750,"image_height":895,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8615,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:52:44.234597+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"It's just wrong! 😃 ","image":"af31fb90-b4a5-4084-89cf-10fe71d49ca3.jpg","slug":"its-just-wrong-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-08-02","image_width":659,"image_height":521,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8611,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-08-01T20:35:34.914735+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Boom! 😀","image":"123189c2-7493-4662-b279-60994003c386.jpg","slug":"boom-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-08-01","image_width":1034,"image_height":636,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 93, "slug": "grammar", "text": "Grammar", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:34:59.280464+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8608,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-26T14:43:52.541429+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-26T14:45:24.65+00:00","text":"Glad it’s the SUMMER Olympics! 😀","image":"53b13d61-cf22-4e45-a7cf-aa6632d7d296.jpg","slug":"glad-it-s-the-summer-olympics-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-27","image_width":948,"image_height":648,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 129, "slug": "sport", "text": "Sport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:00.303092+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 431, "slug": "olympics", "text": "Olympics", "created_at": "2024-07-26T14:42:47.984978+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":5005,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2018-11-14T15:29:55+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-26T14:49:38.351+00:00","text":"These would sell well huh? 😀","image":"19d406ea-e9c1-4ac0-b6e2-a69ca9825b53.jpg","slug":"these-would-sell-well-huh-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-26","image_width":863,"image_height":616,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 129, "slug": "sport", "text": "Sport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:00.303092+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 431, "slug": "olympics", "text": "Olympics", "created_at": "2024-07-26T14:42:47.984978+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8610,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-26T22:39:58.916261+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Agree? ","image":"46f4e253-0289-45c5-a39c-4fb32c089810.jpg","slug":"agree","date":"2024-07-26","image_width":1170,"image_height":985,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 129, "slug": "sport", "text": "Sport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:00.303092+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 431, "slug": "olympics", "text": "Olympics", "created_at": "2024-07-26T14:42:47.984978+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8600,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-25T09:52:55.167266+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan! 😀","image":"f0808847-faec-4326-a4d1-92c0f83bcafc.JPG","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%98%80-z6zel","date":"2024-07-26","image_width":921,"image_height":713,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8602,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-25T10:13:19.15659+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Donald Rump! 😀","image":"96e25180-35d0-4f55-8a09-cbce42ccaf3d.JPG","slug":"donald-rump-%f0%9f%98%80-y4v08","date":"2024-07-26","image_width":494,"image_height":546,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 120, "slug": "presidents", "text": "Presidents", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:50.311605+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8603,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-25T10:17:25.611659+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-25T10:17:40.636+00:00","text":"Bit worrying! 😀 ","image":"b21796a2-2869-45a8-9ffa-93be28e9b8ec.jpg","slug":"bit-worrying-%f0%9f%98%80-dgqcb","date":"2024-07-26","image_width":583,"image_height":715,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 131, "slug": "toilet", "text": "Toilet", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:12.49237+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8601,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-25T10:05:13.661842+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-25T14:41:43.484+00:00","text":"Seems Reasonable! 😀","image":"27ba88a4-9092-4f40-9f7b-3fc47b40dd14.JPG","slug":"seems-reasonable-%f0%9f%98%80-jzspz","date":"2024-07-26","image_width":713,"image_height":713,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8599,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-25T09:33:59.660718+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Harsh! 😀","image":"663211ab-b54f-415a-a2de-1d2f6e553630.JPG","slug":"harsh-%f0%9f%98%80-oylf1","date":"2024-07-25","image_width":819,"image_height":719,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8604,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-25T10:20:43.52689+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-26T14:43:23.954+00:00","text":"Genius! 😀","image":"8084b284-eeb6-4783-a253-4b85686fcd10.jpg","slug":"genius-%f0%9f%98%80-brek4","date":"2024-07-25","image_width":579,"image_height":714,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 47, "slug": "clever", "text": "Clever", "created_at": "2024-03-06T14:50:57.770526+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 69, "slug": "weather", "text": "Weather", "created_at": "2024-03-28T21:40:06.751666+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8596,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-24T16:04:46.938593+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Genius! 😀","image":"7c448cae-f23b-4d35-91fe-a5c710225683.JPG","slug":"genius-%f0%9f%98%80-qzkrr","date":"2024-07-24","image_width":772,"image_height":655,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 46, "slug": "genius", "text": "Genius", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:59:02.512958+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8595,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-24T16:04:22.17435+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-24T16:05:17.285+00:00","text":"Yep, sounds right! 😀","image":"70af506c-06c8-49df-b96e-069601de9f4e.jpg","slug":"yep-sounds-right-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-24","image_width":699,"image_height":717,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 58, "slug": "music", "text": "Music", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:17:35.487828+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8597,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-24T17:18:12.084246+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Seems fair! 😀 ","image":"44fbe114-c005-4ba1-a834-355b1ce80c48.JPG","slug":"seems-fair-%f0%9f%98%80-qaso8","date":"2024-07-24","image_width":635,"image_height":484,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 376, "slug": "childish", "text": "Childish", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 416, "slug": "cheeky", "text": "Cheeky", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8598,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-24T18:33:38.842097+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Because you're worth it! 😀 ","image":"f3527db8-5364-43a6-807f-4183292ab85d.jpg","slug":"because-youre-worth-it-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-24","image_width":488,"image_height":731,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 120, "slug": "presidents", "text": "Presidents", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:50.311605+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8594,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T11:39:19.95116+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Remember this? 😀 ","image":"554cc238-8338-4708-b423-2e8e31408386.jpg","slug":"remember-this-%f0%9f%98%80-qyak9","date":"2024-07-21","image_width":634,"image_height":625,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 33, "slug": "history", "text": "History", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:42.141047+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8592,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T11:32:14.066364+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Took a second! 😀 ","image":"623153b7-54a6-4050-b1ee-b17215065448.jpg","slug":"took-a-second-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-20","image_width":850,"image_height":692,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8593,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T11:35:42.511876+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan!😀 ","image":"9fbbab8d-cab6-4e68-8277-cd8b3c07a21c.jpg","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%98%80-4v8ea","date":"2024-07-20","image_width":718,"image_height":719,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 103, "slug": "medical", "text": "Medical", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:42.460149+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8587,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T10:52:44.510712+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"This resonate? 😀","image":"9a08c4a6-51bb-4673-a161-ba959eba1f91.JPG","slug":"this-resonate-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-19","image_width":695,"image_height":486,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 103, "slug": "medical", "text": "Medical", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:42.460149+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8588,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T10:56:22.690292+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Could happen! 😀","image":"909a350e-1376-4b61-af01-f9c2c8fad3a7.JPG","slug":"could-happen-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-19","image_width":524,"image_height":508,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8589,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T11:03:35.939326+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"The new look Trump! 👍","image":"857f8850-0fbb-4ad2-a3ff-b6311249eb53.jpg","slug":"the-new-look-trump-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-07-19","image_width":1119,"image_height":1149,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8590,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-19T11:06:02.990846+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"The new SHREK movie looks bad! 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😀","image":"b6c68813-195a-4ba8-970f-79bf960f365a.jpg","slug":"bit-worrying-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-12","image_width":536,"image_height":691,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8580,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-11T18:31:28.742795+00:00","updated_at":"2024-07-11T18:31:56.438+00:00","text":"Watching the footy? 😀","image":"514890c1-8cba-40d5-bbde-9dbb6fbf5747.jpg","slug":"watching-the-footy-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-11","image_width":674,"image_height":526,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 129, "slug": "sport", "text": "Sport", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:00.303092+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8572,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T11:35:49.790435+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Sound familiar? 😀","image":"252b1c36-c38d-4eb3-8383-6ec63c5c9131.jpg","slug":"sound-familiar-%f0%9f%98%80-ryskz","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":938,"image_height":564,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 68, "slug": "alcohol", "text": "Alcohol", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:26:12.980066+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8573,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T11:46:34.733895+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Uncanny! 😀","image":"cd290014-7148-4b85-92b4-cb5d08c97432.jpg","slug":"uncanny-%f0%9f%98%80-wv58n","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":667,"image_height":660,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 106, "slug": "movies", "text": "Movies", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:37:15.392633+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8574,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T11:47:48.752079+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"UK Prime Minister’s first day in office! 👍","image":"8d1329cd-81cd-40d4-9e42-021f48714e2d.jpg","slug":"uk-prime-minister-s-first-day-in-office-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":857,"image_height":677,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8575,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T11:53:02.564282+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Uncanny! 😃 ","image":"2d1bff12-e859-4b6d-8cd5-a9b60ba88ec9.jpg","slug":"uncanny-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":716,"image_height":818,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8576,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T11:57:20.226092+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Separated by a common language! 🤪","image":"9a6f3f0e-f506-4652-88c4-2edd79e16858.jpg","slug":"separated-by-a-common-language-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":660,"image_height":609,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 81, "slug": "countries", "text": "Countries", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:30:39.896881+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8577,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T12:02:20.221014+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"What a mover! 😀","image":"f8a9ce26-3a4c-4bf7-a680-f7e7dd2bb119.jpg","slug":"what-a-mover-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":662,"image_height":776,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 58, "slug": "music", "text": "Music", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:17:35.487828+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8578,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T12:05:20.141726+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Clever! 😀","image":"1c64939e-3c13-485d-a4ba-f80dd29aeb93.JPG","slug":"clever-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":831,"image_height":786,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 102, "slug": "maths", "text": "Maths", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:36.79173+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8579,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-09T12:12:48.804504+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Ewww! 😉","image":"3b76ab96-325d-4715-b897-0e35b2da59ce.JPG","slug":"ewww-%f0%9f%98%89","date":"2024-07-09","image_width":779,"image_height":775,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 131, "slug": "toilet", "text": "Toilet", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:12.49237+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8571,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-04T15:06:40.581477+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"One small downside of the tech! 😉","image":"bc5d6f30-c8e9-4aa5-a6d0-f13a300ddddb.jpg","slug":"one-small-downside-of-the-tech-%f0%9f%98%89","date":"2024-07-05","image_width":698,"image_height":448,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 48, "slug": "cars", "text": "Cars", "created_at": "2024-03-11T16:51:04.198288+00:00", "updated_at": "2024-07-25T14:06:19.35+00:00"}}]}, {"id":8570,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-04T15:00:32.529907+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"It's hot. Do the right think folks! 😀","image":"40455f3d-a71a-4cf0-9cde-4e9f331b4b1c.jpg","slug":"its-hot-do-the-right-think-folks-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-04","image_width":640,"image_height":462,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 69, "slug": "weather", "text": "Weather", "created_at": "2024-03-28T21:40:06.751666+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8567,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-03T15:59:00.233095+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"One for the Mathematicians! 😀","image":"eab2a05d-c5c0-4e4e-bfb5-34b39dbd28d7.jpg","slug":"one-for-the-mathematicians-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-03","image_width":1080,"image_height":975,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 102, "slug": "maths", "text": "Maths", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:36.79173+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8568,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-07-03T16:22:15.103653+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Thursday's excitement! 😀 ","image":"a3c707e5-5cd6-485b-91b4-13729583d06a.jpg","slug":"thursdays-excitement-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-07-03","image_width":526,"image_height":518,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8564,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-30T13:11:31.067168+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Blink and you'll miss it! 🤪","image":"9c76d0ac-d8d5-477f-829d-8e0025bcf40e.jpg","slug":"blink-and-youll-miss-it-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-06-30","image_width":557,"image_height":709,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 69, "slug": "weather", "text": "Weather", "created_at": "2024-03-28T21:40:06.751666+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8565,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-30T13:15:08.905501+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Remember this? 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😃","image":"6f948d6c-a2dc-465a-8c43-8fe6e3b9745d.JPG","slug":"think-ill-skip-this-one-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-06-22","image_width":446,"image_height":420,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 28, "slug": "rude", "text": "Rude", "created_at": "2024-01-26T10:03:23.172034+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8552,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:49:59.516433+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Today's top tip! 😃","image":"b47b58ad-cbef-4779-8722-78fecb3560f1.jpg","slug":"todays-top-tip-%f0%9f%98%83","date":"2024-06-22","image_width":960,"image_height":686,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8548,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:42:54.501672+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Uncanny! 🤪","image":"736f6840-0faa-4500-a6a3-26eedb257c52.JPG","slug":"uncanny-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-06-21","image_width":711,"image_height":593,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 30, "slug": "cats", "text": "Cats", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:07:12.372595+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8549,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:43:25.723507+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Fair! 🤪","image":"aed66f69-2364-461d-af9a-3f2fb5cfc13e.jpg","slug":"fair-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-06-21","image_width":960,"image_height":820,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 62, "slug": "kids", "text": "Kids", "created_at": "2024-03-26T14:44:02.268726+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8545,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:37:46.76209+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Yep! 😀","image":"26b58355-87c1-4d6f-a552-2d5df3f11ebc.jpg","slug":"yep-%f0%9f%98%80-0d6im","date":"2024-06-19","image_width":564,"image_height":667,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8546,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:40:30.906216+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"You're welcome! 😀","image":"f06ed47f-a36e-4256-ac28-0721fb16496c.jpg","slug":"youre-welcome-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-19","image_width":505,"image_height":507,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 132, "slug": "top-tips", "text": "Top Tips", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:19.148893+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8547,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:42:00.091085+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Meanwhile in America ... 🤪","image":"e4a55e75-fd16-413c-b78f-9258ebd78fef.JPG","slug":"meanwhile-in-america-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-06-19","image_width":908,"image_height":702,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8544,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:36:54.905159+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"True huh? 😀","image":"1581eb44-c0c0-453c-9233-c3152c691f30.jpg","slug":"true-huh-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-18","image_width":552,"image_height":552,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8543,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:36:19.922978+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Not a bad idea!! 😀","image":"38f59dda-a4e3-4daa-95f1-d3a9bb3810a5.JPG","slug":"not-a-bad-idea-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-17","image_width":426,"image_height":426,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8540,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:34:49.491338+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Happy Father's Day! 😀","image":"50e5e69a-4a3f-48a4-8917-bedb4323fe17.jpg","slug":"happy-fathers-day-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-16","image_width":1078,"image_height":1497,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8541,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:35:19.945721+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Where's the sun? 😀","image":"b34be508-9222-4dc3-a968-b50052612ca0.jpg","slug":"wheres-the-sun-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-16","image_width":918,"image_height":680,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 69, "slug": "weather", "text": "Weather", "created_at": "2024-03-28T21:40:06.751666+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 415, "slug": "winter", "text": "Winter", "created_at": "2024-04-21T19:25:15.372827+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8538,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:33:50.137795+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"I knew it! 🙂","image":"f5116060-3bfe-42ea-a150-a2b2ca486936.jpg","slug":"i-knew-it-%f0%9f%99%82","date":"2024-06-15","image_width":720,"image_height":960,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8539,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:34:18.676197+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"True! 🙂","image":"e3f584ba-9593-40cb-a2ca-3d1c1b0da970.jpg","slug":"true-%f0%9f%99%82","date":"2024-06-15","image_width":973,"image_height":1162,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 131, "slug": "toilet", "text": "Toilet", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:12.49237+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8536,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:32:29.671116+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan! 👍","image":"9710195f-53bc-4614-996f-17a6423444cd.jpg","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-06-14","image_width":1080,"image_height":891,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8537,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:33:25.505916+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Boom boom! 👍","image":"b4ff65c6-43df-40af-a8ab-02c8bff90709.jpg","slug":"boom-boom-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-06-14","image_width":1080,"image_height":1080,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8535,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:31:54.918066+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Where's the sun? 👍","image":"89c70ec9-36fd-4a5b-ad7c-8b06ebb7a090.jpg","slug":"wheres-the-sun-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-06-13","image_width":790,"image_height":591,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 69, "slug": "weather", "text": "Weather", "created_at": "2024-03-28T21:40:06.751666+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8533,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:30:43.225031+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Thought for the day! 👍","image":"b7aea3c7-e395-4879-8baf-55e5c912e553.jpg","slug":"thought-for-the-day-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-06-08","image_width":720,"image_height":900,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8534,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:31:11.401495+00:00","updated_at":"2024-06-22T12:31:25.625+00:00","text":"Makes sense! 👍","image":"28189a8f-49ac-479a-8361-0c647d9d1fdd.jpg","slug":"makes-sense-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-06-08","image_width":623,"image_height":623,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 74, "slug": "art", "text": "Art", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:26:39.774141+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8531,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:29:02.761115+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Dunno what they have against Buglers! 🎺","image":"0c670707-7f22-449a-b375-e570d03842ff.JPG","slug":"dunno-what-they-have-against-buglers-%f0%9f%8e%ba","date":"2024-06-07","image_width":849,"image_height":808,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 58, "slug": "music", "text": "Music", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:17:35.487828+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8532,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:29:24.907809+00:00","updated_at":"2024-06-22T12:30:13.133+00:00","text":"The new King Charles bank notes are out! 👍","image":"1d87893e-65a9-44a1-a5de-f52899804cd6.jpg","slug":"the-new-king-charles-bank-notes-are-out-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-06-07","image_width":657,"image_height":703,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 138, "slug": "royals", "text": "Royals", "created_at": "2024-04-05T16:14:58.160626+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8530,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:28:28.475341+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Half arsed job! 😀","image":"c9a258bc-c871-4d38-83c7-6b9359672188.JPG","slug":"half-arsed-job-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-05","image_width":542,"image_height":730,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 131, "slug": "toilet", "text": "Toilet", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:42:12.49237+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8529,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:27:18.756188+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"The UK Government is having a clear out!😀","image":"54248705-70fa-45f1-adb4-7e378e974dcd.JPG","slug":"the-uk-government-is-having-a-clear-out-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-04","image_width":748,"image_height":765,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8528,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:26:38.265415+00:00","updated_at":"2024-06-22T12:27:30.559+00:00","text":"Oh yes you can! Easy huh? 🤪","image":"7e96760a-7923-46c8-b6ba-7dc265344836.JPG","slug":"oh-yes-you-can-easy-huh-%f0%9f%a4%aa","date":"2024-06-03","image_width":792,"image_height":598,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 106, "slug": "movies", "text": "Movies", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:37:15.392633+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8527,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:23:10.838659+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Some Maths wisdom! 😀","image":"7ffcbc75-1a79-4c37-8276-a21db7e39ac7.JPG","slug":"some-maths-wisdom-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-02","image_width":494,"image_height":718,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 102, "slug": "maths", "text": "Maths", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:36.79173+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8525,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:18:10.924997+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"As we approach the UK election! 😟","image":"5074adf0-2fd6-4512-b031-98bb44df3479.JPG","slug":"as-we-approach-the-uk-election-%f0%9f%98%9f","date":"2024-06-01","image_width":386,"image_height":719,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8526,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:22:33.428141+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Good old Gran! 😀","image":"09f7612e-a266-4605-882e-bd839785ebb8.JPG","slug":"good-old-gran-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-06-01","image_width":665,"image_height":672,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 103, "slug": "medical", "text": "Medical", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:42.460149+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8521,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:15:38.968776+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Complete this series .... 😀","image":"d25522dd-7a6a-4768-aec0-8cd8453bb1ed.JPG","slug":"complete-this-series-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-31","image_width":790,"image_height":707,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 102, "slug": "maths", "text": "Maths", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:36.79173+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8522,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:16:06.912133+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Could be anywhere in the UK! 😟","image":"163b32d4-39d6-462c-9559-e7aac1fac8b0.JPG","slug":"could-be-anywhere-in-the-uk-%f0%9f%98%9f","date":"2024-05-31","image_width":525,"image_height":705,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 123, "slug": "roads", "text": "Roads", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:41:17.684785+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8523,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:17:05.294444+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"It's Friday evening! Cheers! 🥂","image":"8bc82f2a-9645-491f-aeac-b253f434b263.jpg","slug":"its-friday-evening-cheers-%f0%9f%a5%82","date":"2024-05-31","image_width":951,"image_height":994,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 68, "slug": "alcohol", "text": "Alcohol", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:26:12.980066+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8524,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:17:31.948697+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Understandable! 👍","image":"3123ff4e-bb4a-48a2-8cac-0a90fc621bbe.JPG","slug":"understandable-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-05-31","image_width":503,"image_height":515,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8520,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:15:11.679003+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Yep! 😀","image":"b1f96d79-9cf6-46a3-ae92-39f070b87425.JPG","slug":"yep-%f0%9f%98%80-dsh4f","date":"2024-05-30","image_width":540,"image_height":715,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8515,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:12:06.147762+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Meanwhile on Vinted! 😀","image":"fc4beee1-5b7e-45d9-a5c2-e335c0804945.jpg","slug":"meanwhile-on-vinted-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-25","image_width":752,"image_height":508,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 72, "slug": "unfortunate", "text": "Unfortunate", "created_at": "2024-04-03T14:16:09.670534+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8516,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:12:29.114126+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"When you see it ..... ! 😀","image":"5ee08528-6dfd-48ef-9e18-62302194bc56.JPG","slug":"when-you-see-it-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-25","image_width":536,"image_height":686,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 52, "slug": "illusions", "text": "Illusions", "created_at": "2024-03-16T12:11:22.037497+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8517,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:12:51.366501+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"I want one! 😀","image":"243067f6-4f29-4a31-81d8-6afd5e64f743.jpg","slug":"i-want-one-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-25","image_width":517,"image_height":583,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8518,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:13:53.680054+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Hmmmm! 😟","image":"2669d7c9-1aaf-4832-a718-4d597f52952a.JPG","slug":"hmmmm-%f0%9f%98%9f","date":"2024-05-25","image_width":704,"image_height":551,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8519,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:14:32.72846+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"So that's how it works! 😀","image":"41303653-5f4d-4b06-b2ad-53bd94c0f8ed.jpg","slug":"so-thats-how-it-works-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-25","image_width":593,"image_height":676,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 47, "slug": "clever", "text": "Clever", "created_at": "2024-03-06T14:50:57.770526+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8510,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:09:30.320725+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Eggplants! 😀","image":"c32b6953-9627-4e9f-98ff-584765461293.jpg","slug":"eggplants-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-24","image_width":499,"image_height":584,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8511,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:10:01.461714+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Don't think that's what it means! 😆","image":"38e6137b-02fe-40ad-a2ef-061998e542c3.jpg","slug":"dont-think-thats-what-it-means-%f0%9f%98%86","date":"2024-05-24","image_width":579,"image_height":650,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 46, "slug": "genius", "text": "Genius", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:59:02.512958+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8512,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:10:37.176697+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Coke users need this explaining? 😀","image":"7f0c6a69-575c-4bca-8741-10a9efae2179.jpg","slug":"coke-users-need-this-explaining-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-24","image_width":446,"image_height":483,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 102, "slug": "maths", "text": "Maths", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:36.79173+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8513,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:11:09.9553+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Love a bit of clay! 😀","image":"9924a124-ba78-4652-860d-549ed0195e67.jpg","slug":"love-a-bit-of-clay-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-24","image_width":602,"image_height":416,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 61, "slug": "words", "text": "Words", "created_at": "2024-03-22T10:53:55.670775+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8514,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:11:32.725128+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"One for the Scousers! 😀","image":"33da6832-91f9-44c4-bd43-29fecd79170d.JPG","slug":"one-for-the-scousers-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-24","image_width":664,"image_height":714,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8508,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:08:34.420382+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Took me a minute! 😀","image":"66973bb7-44e0-4f4d-a5c7-4d751bc272b9.jpg","slug":"took-me-a-minute-%f0%9f%98%80-8v22f","date":"2024-05-23","image_width":538,"image_height":713,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 52, "slug": "illusions", "text": "Illusions", "created_at": "2024-03-16T12:11:22.037497+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8484,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T11:25:02.451394+00:00","updated_at":"2024-06-22T12:13:09.823+00:00","text":"Fair question! 😀","image":"20e94027-147a-46a7-9fe7-7d750a33eb76.jpg","slug":"fair-question-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-22","image_width":480,"image_height":480,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 118, "slug": "politics", "text": "Politics", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:40:40.846727+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8509,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:09:03.934084+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Really Hallmark? That's just wrong! 😧","image":"d1d96b9f-87de-4524-98c8-dd80aaf43c82.JPG","slug":"really-hallmark-thats-just-wrong-%f0%9f%98%a7","date":"2024-05-22","image_width":477,"image_height":599,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8507,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:08:08.13377+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Yep! That is correct! 👍","image":"add180f7-dbef-4a1f-9934-c3735a081972.JPG","slug":"yep-that-is-correct-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-05-21","image_width":744,"image_height":529,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8505,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:06:24.740342+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Brings back fun memories! 😀","image":"98dc1e94-c4b6-4ebf-81ed-24cf0d622a2f.jpg","slug":"brings-back-fun-memories-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-19","image_width":660,"image_height":803,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 98, "slug": "language", "text": "Language", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:02.864038+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8506,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:06:52.965553+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"That worked then! 😀","image":"3cd092c5-92ad-4272-af9e-19691479a035.jpg","slug":"that-worked-then-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-19","image_width":584,"image_height":560,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 32, "slug": "jobs", "text": "Jobs", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:11:54.366071+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8502,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:04:12.578619+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"I've won! 😀","image":"8020e828-db5f-4313-ba6c-623ef7b6034f.jpg","slug":"ive-won-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-17","image_width":540,"image_height":605,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 103, "slug": "medical", "text": "Medical", "created_at": "2024-04-05T15:36:42.460149+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8503,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:05:03.926985+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"This sound right? 🤔","image":"3d4b7810-8789-4528-832a-9b6908dd5de7.jpg","slug":"this-sound-right-%f0%9f%a4%94","date":"2024-05-17","image_width":712,"image_height":556,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 71, "slug": "wisdom", "text": "Wisdom", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:55:10.887405+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8504,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:05:30.493548+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Amazing feeling of satisfaction! 👍","image":"13fea14f-8a23-4ed3-a7e2-0fd7f7ef7bcd.jpg","slug":"amazing-feeling-of-satisfaction-%f0%9f%91%8d","date":"2024-05-17","image_width":653,"image_height":715,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 34, "slug": "tech", "text": "Tech", "created_at": "2024-02-05T18:12:51.774572+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8501,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:03:35.869981+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Groan! 🙂","image":"f35c5492-5777-4a14-a064-f086b46701cf.jpg","slug":"groan-%f0%9f%99%82-rz805","date":"2024-05-15","image_width":1080,"image_height":737,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 58, "slug": "music", "text": "Music", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:17:35.487828+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 70, "slug": "groans", "text": "Groans", "created_at": "2024-04-01T12:09:16.591459+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8500,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:02:24.710893+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"Seems a bit harsh! 🙂","image":"6404af46-c933-47c5-945a-68ba5cf76502.jpg","slug":"seems-a-bit-harsh-%f0%9f%99%82","date":"2024-05-14","image_width":1026,"image_height":610,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 68, "slug": "alcohol", "text": "Alcohol", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:26:12.980066+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8489,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T11:30:26.476532+00:00","updated_at":"2024-06-22T12:13:26.169+00:00","text":"Can't wait to try it! 😀","image":"c1f5b3da-fefb-40e0-a80b-068b2c2a101a.JPG","slug":"cant-wait-to-try-it-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-12","image_width":743,"image_height":644,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 65, "slug": "animals", "text": "Animals", "created_at": "2024-03-28T14:08:54.064872+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 66, "slug": "food", "text": "Food", "created_at": "2024-03-28T16:16:30.33165+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8498,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T11:59:46.456731+00:00","updated_at":"2024-06-22T12:00:06.192+00:00","text":"Look at them now! 😀","image":"7b7e6924-5a48-4490-ade8-c83d54de067b.JPG","slug":"look-at-them-now-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-11","image_width":523,"image_height":704,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 23, "slug": "uncanny", "text": "Uncanny", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:45:39.166797+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 43, "slug": "celebs", "text": "Celebs", "created_at": "2024-02-23T14:56:29.621944+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 58, "slug": "music", "text": "Music", "created_at": "2024-03-21T19:17:35.487828+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8499,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T12:01:38.86993+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"You were warned! 😀","image":"1beb3336-05ad-423b-a98c-f9fa7f713dea.JPG","slug":"you-were-warned-%f0%9f%98%80","date":"2024-05-11","image_width":662,"image_height":480,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}, {"id":8493,"author":"86aa90b0-ea3d-4b17-8ff0-835ec1a7b079","created_at":"2024-06-22T11:45:29.714178+00:00","updated_at":null,"text":"LOL? Really? 😟","image":"c7ef5967-5908-4db8-8967-0b5cedb2e091.jpg","slug":"lol-really-%f0%9f%98%9f","date":"2024-05-10","image_width":523,"image_height":519,"meta_title":null,"meta_description":null,"body":null,"tags":[{"tag": {"id": 25, "slug": "signs", "text": "Signs", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:21.905346+00:00", "updated_at": null}}, {"tag": {"id": 26, "slug": "wrong", "text": "Wrong", "created_at": "2024-01-26T09:46:36.380901+00:00", "updated_at": null}}]}]